I Really Need Your Help!!

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news first: Proctor and Gamble was originally going to sell Pringles to Diamond Foods for $1.5 billion, but has decided to back out of the deal. The article states Proctor and Gamble is now searching for a new buyer! This is where I need your help! I want to purchase Pringles for Fatty Lane! The problem is I’m about $1.4999999999999 billion dollars short. I’m trying to come with some ideas to raise the money. I’m pretty sure a bake sale would only bring in about the half the money needed to make the purchase. If only I could come up with a few more ideas. I would create the best Pringles flavors EVER!

Fatty Lane Guide: Mastering Valentine’s Day

Everyone’s favorite Hallmark holiday is coming up! If you have a special fatty out there, you’ve come to the right place! If you don’t, there is still time to find one! Finding the perfect gift is always a challenge but here are some ideas.

Sexy Lingerie:

Girls love home-made gifts and sexy gifts. Why not give her both? Make her some beef jerky underwear.


Chocolate:

All girls love chocolate. That’s an easy one. Fat girls love all food so you need to step up your game. Nothing says “I love you” like some smoked meat. Try these Bacon Chocolate Truffles.

Jewelery:

Diamonds are the way to any girl’s heart. Bacon is the way to any fatty’s stomach. Let her know that any time is bacon time with a bacon watch.

Take her out for a nice dinner:

Duh! If she’s fat she likes food!

If these ideas don’t work for you, just browse around Fatty Lane! You can learn a fat song to sing her or bake her some cupcakes. Or just get her a card…

 

Fat Dogs

It isn’t just humans that are fat. Dogs and cats are getting fatter too. I love my big fat pug, and now i learn that she’s just a statistic. 22% of cats and 20% of dogs were obese in 2010. It turns out when dogs sit around, do nothing and eat scraps of their owners junk food they get fat too! Even movie star dogs have been gaining weight.

Shadow, Chance and Sassy were in great shape when they shot Homeward Bound. They have since gained some weight and it shows in their newest feature.

Nestle has decided to help address this growing(pun!) problem. No news on whether chocolate will be offered in their doggy weight loss package…

Be on the lookout for fat dogs on Super Bowl commercials this year. Here is one that is going to air.

Good Dog! This puts Rocky to shame! That dog needs to give Snoopy some pointers. He has really let himself go.

Good Grief

 

Taco Bell…What the Hell?

Let me start by stating the obvious. I love Taco Bell. There is no better food when you’re drunk and there’s no better food when you’re hungover. In fact, even when you aren’t drunk Taco Bell is so salty and delicious that it can induce its own Taco Bell hangover.

We've all been there.

Last year Taco Bell took to shot to the chin when a lawsuit was filed against them saying they didn’t use real meat and instead only used a 35% meat mixture. Taco bell saw sales drop 5 percent in the second quarter and 2 percent in the third quarter. The lawsuit was quickly thrown out and Taco Bell tried desperately to defend its image by saying their beef was 88% beef and 12% “signature ingredients”, equaling 100% deliciousness.

First of all, I don’t really care if T-Bell (credit to my brother for the awesome slang) is 1% meat and 99% “signature ingredients.” If you’re going to T-Bell for the quality, you should reevaluate the ability to use your brain properly. It would be one thing if Morton’s Steakhouse or Whole Foods wasn’t selling real beef, this is Taco Bell people!

The point of Taco Bell is to enjoy and appreciate the fine delicate flavors of nacho cheese sauce and chalupa shells. It’s about sitting in the drive-thru at 1 am because nothing else is open. It’s about Taco Bell burps, which all taste the same regardless of what your eat.

So, T-Bell was trying to revamp its image after the whole lawsuit fiasco and came out with the Doritos Taco Shell…

Well played Taco Bell. Did anyone complain the Doritos “secret ingredients”?

No. Because no one cared and no one should care. The point of Taco Bell isn’t for health, it’s for indulgence. If health and fresh ingredients are your concern, you should probably stay away from fast food in general. If you want to exercise your right to gluttony, T-Bell is the place to be.

With the start of the new year Taco Bell introduced to new concepts to the menu. The first I back fully, the second made me say “what the hell Taco Bell?”

The successful introduction was First Meal, which launches this week and will be available in 750 stores.

The menu will include breakfast burritos, hash browns, Seattle’s Best coffee and Cinnabon Delights.

Items will cost between $.99 and $2.79. Well played Taco Bell. I can’t wait for breakfast nachos and quesadillas to be added to the menu.

The other new menu addition is the Cantina Bell Menu. Apparently T-Bell is trying to get their Chipotle on. They will be offering “fresh food” and include black beans, cilantro rice and grilled corn salsa. No word on what percentage of the corn is actually made of corn. Their “burrito bowl” will be cheaper than Chipotle’s.

ooooo fresh!

This is the worst addition to the Taco Bell menu since the Fresca menu. I really do hope these moves pay off for Taco Bell and they make boatloads of money. That way they can bring back the chili cheese burrito to all stores and maybe even work out a deal with Pringles! Mmm…dare to dream.

Pringles Nachos anyone?

 

Cut your Portions…Or Cut Your Legs Off

Following in the footsteps of Georgia, New York City has released some pretty crappy anti-obesity ads. They say if you don’t lessen your portion size, you will lose your legs.

Rather than trying to show people how bad soda is for them, they just say to drink less…so you can keep your limbs. If only they would have taken this approach with illegal drugs! Don’t do too much cocaine…or your nose will bleed.

Arrrrrg....should've gotten the small bottle!

The second advertisement shows an obese woman taking the stairs (maybe to improve her health?). Rather than promote movement and physical activity, they say she needs to eat less french fries so she can be healthier.

So if she gets a small soda and fries she can keep her legs and take the stairs? Seems logical to me. My biggest problem with these advertisements is they’re eerily similar to Taco Bell’s latest advertisements…

 

Seriously Guys, You couldn’t have robbed a Taco Bell?

I love me a good stereotype. This morning, two black males robbed a KFC  in North Carolina. How much fried chicken was stolen? Well, none. The men pretended they were delivery drivers  before the restaurant opened and proceeded to rob the KFC employees at gunpoint. Luckily the two black males were between 5 feet 7 and 5 feet 10 and wearing hoodie’s so they should find these guys in no time…Seriously, you had to rob a fried chicken chain?! Ride the cliche!

In other news, Taco Bell is still looking for the rat that lead a takeover of a New York City location 5 years ago. Police Sketch artists have rendered this depiction of what the rat might look like today.

Top 10 Food Trends of 2012

Every new year, some new awesome food products  hit the supermarket shelves. Fast food companies must stay creative to compete with each other. 2012 is going to be a groundbreaking year for the food and beverage industry. Here are my predictions for the coolest trends of 2012.

10.1000 calorie packs

100 calorie packs? Those are so 5 years ago. It’s time for 1000 calorie packs! The true fatty’s snack.

9.Will Kill You For It Coldstone Size

Everyone craves more ice cream. Some fatties might even kill for it. The “Will Kill You For It” size will satisfy these cravings.

8.Obeso size Starbucks Coffee Drinks

They introduced Trenta last year, I think Starbucks will introduce the Obeso size drink this year. Just like 7-11 kept making Big Gulps bigger and bigger, Starbucks will follow in their footsteps. Maybe it will be a 50 oz drink! Now that’s a good way to start your morning!

7.Pringles Quad-stacker

They already have the grab and go stack. 2012 is about bigger and better. It’s time for the quad stack. 4 flavors stacked into one can!

6.XTRA Stuffed Oreos

First regular, then double stuffed Oreo’s. It’s time for XTRA stuffed Oreo’s! The bigger the better.

4.Bacon Soda

Because everything really is better with bacon. Ron Swanson would be proud

4.Deep Fried Frosting

Alright Deep Fried Fair Folk. This is my idea and it hasn’t been out there at fairs yet. When you win the prize for the newest, most creative deep fried food in 2012, I expect a fat salute to Fatty Lane.

3.Cookie Chip Combo packs

They already have frozen pizza and cookie dough sold in the same box. I think it’s time for cookies and chips to come in the same bag. Crunchy, gooey, sweet and salty all in one bag. Is there anything better?

2.Drive Thru All you can eat buffet

People are getting sick and tired of walking from their cars to the buffet lines. I think this is the year when the drive thru buffet hits it big. They can even have a mobility scooter special for those environmentally conscious eaters who rode their scooters instead of drove to help save the environment.

1.Susanne Eman Size Combo Meal’s

Susanne Eman eats 12 tacos, a pan of brownies, 2 liters of soda and 8 scoops of ice cream for dinner so why can’t you? Taco Bell could pave the way for bigger size combo meals with the Susanne Eman combo.

SSBBW Meal Finder: Indiana State Road 37

I spent last weekend in the 15th fattest state in America. Unfortunately I did not see Ron Swanson. The first thing I notice any time I’m in the midwest is how friendly the people are. It’s a world of difference getting away from all the MASSholes. The second thing I notice is all food. I made the drive from Indianapolis down to Bloomington on IN-37 S. This stretch of highway is a dream come true for any fatty stuck driving in the middle of the country. Here is what I passed on my short drive.

Waffle House

Open 24 hours. I never had waffle houses growing up in California so I ‘m overly amused by them. There were multiple locations on the hour long drive.

Steak N’ Shake

4 meals for under 4$? You know you’re getting high quality ingredients. The 24 hour gem of the midwest.

Hardee’s/Red Burrito

I think this one amused me the most. I grew up with Carl’s Jr. and Green Burrito and their hilarious radio ads. I knew it was called Hardee’s but i had no idea it was Red Burrito in the midwest. Oh and they also have quesadillas and tostadas.

Then there are the standards.

White Castle

Mcdonalds

Wendy’s

Taco Bell

Burger King

Chick-fil-A

KFC

No matter what your fast food taste is, IN-37 has you covered. Personally, I waited until I made it all the way to Bloomington so I could eat some delicious local grass-fed cow. Next time you are driving through Indiana hit up this fast food highway to stuff your face. And then stop at one of the billions of churches and pray you don’t go to hell for being a glutton.

Big Fat Potheads?

There’s nothing like a good case of the munchies. Many people know, love, and follow the routine: get high, eat, repeat. A new study that has been released shows some big fat results. Stoners are less likely to be obese than their non-smoking counterparts. The study was done by Dr. Yann Le Strat, a psychiatrist at France’s Louis-Mourier Hospital. He looked at data from two studies of U.S. adults from the early 2000s and documented some differences between those who smoked marijuana and those who didn’t. In each of the two studies, pot smokers had relatively low rates of obesity: 14.3 and 17.2 percent. American adults who didn’t puff the magic dragon had obesity rates of 22 and 25.3 percent.

The major flaw in this study is that the researcher doesn’t take into account that obese people don’t need to smoke pot. Let’s compare a high person to a fat person.

Typical Day for a Stoner                                              

1.Wake up

2.Smoke pot

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Smoke pot

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Smoke pot

10. Go to bed

Typical Day for a Fat Ass

1. Wake up

2. Take a shit

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Take a shit

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Google SSBBW porn (and probably get brought to this site)

10. Go to bed

So you see, the reason why obese people are less likely to smoke weed is they don’t need drugs to make them sit around on their asses, eat and do nothing all day. To a fat person, this all comes quite naturally. However, if you are fat and are looking for the most cliche way to get high, make a pringles bong.

Top 10 fa(s)t food restaurants

10. KFC

Gotta love the double down. KFC does the colonel right!

Gutbuster: chicken pot pie- 790 calories

Fattylane pick: double down, mashed potatoes, popcorn chicken, biscuits, Famous bowl, Pepsi

9. Arby’s

Nothing beats Arby-q-sauce.

Gutbuster: Rueben sandwich- 700 calories

Fattylane pick: 3 max beef’ sandwiches (pictured above) and a pepsi

8.Wendy’s

Dipping french fries into a frosty is a must.

Gutbuster: 3/4lb triple burger- 1030 calories

Fattylane pick: Jr. bacon cheeseburger, spicy chicken sandwich, frosty, 1/2 pound double cheeseburger

7. Carl’s Jr.

…or Hardees for the mid-westerners.

Gutbuster: Guacamole bacon six dollar burger- 1060 calories

Fattylane pick: Double western bacon cheeseburger, crisscut fries, Coke

6. Del Taco

Soooooo goood.

Gutbuster: Steak macho nachos- 1150 calories

Fattylane pick: Del Beef Burrito, 3 regular tacos, 1/2 pound bean and cheese burrito large mr. pibb

5. Dairy Queen

Land of the Blizzard

Gutbuster: Large chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard-1300 calories

Fattylane pick: Any blizzard

4. Jack in the Box

First off, Jack in the box holds one of the greatest food mysteries in the world. The tacos they advertise come out looking way different when you order them. They are insanely delicious for how horrible they look. example below.

Gutbuster:  Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger- 940 calories

Fattylane Pick: jumbo jack, breakfast jack, tacos, seasoned curly fries

3. In-n-Out

Blows everyone away in terms of freshness.

Gutbuster: double double with onion- 670 calories.

Fattylane pick: 5×5 animal style with fries and a strawberry shake

2. Taco Bell

Count me in for 4th meal…and 1st 2nd and 3rd.

Gutbuster : Valcano nachos- 980 calories

Fattylane pick- 2 valcano tacos, quesadilla with ground beef, Nacho Cheese Chalupa beef and potato burrito, Pepsi

1. Wienerschnitzel

The best 2am chili dog you’ll ever eat.

Gutbuster: All beef angus chili dog on a pretzel bun 620 calories

Fattylane pick- 2 chili cheese dogs on a pretzel bun, chili cheese fries, chili cheese burger, strawberry lemonade