I Really Need Your Help!!

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news first: Proctor and Gamble was originally going to sell Pringles to Diamond Foods for $1.5 billion, but has decided to back out of the deal. The article states Proctor and Gamble is now searching for a new buyer! This is where I need your help! I want to purchase Pringles for Fatty Lane! The problem is I’m about $1.4999999999999 billion dollars short. I’m trying to come with some ideas to raise the money. I’m pretty sure a bake sale would only bring in about the half the money needed to make the purchase. If only I could come up with a few more ideas. I would create the best Pringles flavors EVER!

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Taco Bell…What the Hell?

Let me start by stating the obvious. I love Taco Bell. There is no better food when you’re drunk and there’s no better food when you’re hungover. In fact, even when you aren’t drunk Taco Bell is so salty and delicious that it can induce its own Taco Bell hangover.

We've all been there.

Last year Taco Bell took to shot to the chin when a lawsuit was filed against them saying they didn’t use real meat and instead only used a 35% meat mixture. Taco bell saw sales drop 5 percent in the second quarter and 2 percent in the third quarter. The lawsuit was quickly thrown out and Taco Bell tried desperately to defend its image by saying their beef was 88% beef and 12% “signature ingredients”, equaling 100% deliciousness.

First of all, I don’t really care if T-Bell (credit to my brother for the awesome slang) is 1% meat and 99% “signature ingredients.” If you’re going to T-Bell for the quality, you should reevaluate the ability to use your brain properly. It would be one thing if Morton’s Steakhouse or Whole Foods wasn’t selling real beef, this is Taco Bell people!

The point of Taco Bell is to enjoy and appreciate the fine delicate flavors of nacho cheese sauce and chalupa shells. It’s about sitting in the drive-thru at 1 am because nothing else is open. It’s about Taco Bell burps, which all taste the same regardless of what your eat.

So, T-Bell was trying to revamp its image after the whole lawsuit fiasco and came out with the Doritos Taco Shell…

Well played Taco Bell. Did anyone complain the Doritos “secret ingredients”?

No. Because no one cared and no one should care. The point of Taco Bell isn’t for health, it’s for indulgence. If health and fresh ingredients are your concern, you should probably stay away from fast food in general. If you want to exercise your right to gluttony, T-Bell is the place to be.

With the start of the new year Taco Bell introduced to new concepts to the menu. The first I back fully, the second made me say “what the hell Taco Bell?”

The successful introduction was First Meal, which launches this week and will be available in 750 stores.

The menu will include breakfast burritos, hash browns, Seattle’s Best coffee and Cinnabon Delights.

Items will cost between $.99 and $2.79. Well played Taco Bell. I can’t wait for breakfast nachos and quesadillas to be added to the menu.

The other new menu addition is the Cantina Bell Menu. Apparently T-Bell is trying to get their Chipotle on. They will be offering “fresh food” and include black beans, cilantro rice and grilled corn salsa. No word on what percentage of the corn is actually made of corn. Their “burrito bowl” will be cheaper than Chipotle’s.

ooooo fresh!

This is the worst addition to the Taco Bell menu since the Fresca menu. I really do hope these moves pay off for Taco Bell and they make boatloads of money. That way they can bring back the chili cheese burrito to all stores and maybe even work out a deal with Pringles! Mmm…dare to dream.

Pringles Nachos anyone?

 

Top 10 Food Trends of 2012

Every new year, some new awesome food products  hit the supermarket shelves. Fast food companies must stay creative to compete with each other. 2012 is going to be a groundbreaking year for the food and beverage industry. Here are my predictions for the coolest trends of 2012.

10.1000 calorie packs

100 calorie packs? Those are so 5 years ago. It’s time for 1000 calorie packs! The true fatty’s snack.

9.Will Kill You For It Coldstone Size

Everyone craves more ice cream. Some fatties might even kill for it. The “Will Kill You For It” size will satisfy these cravings.

8.Obeso size Starbucks Coffee Drinks

They introduced Trenta last year, I think Starbucks will introduce the Obeso size drink this year. Just like 7-11 kept making Big Gulps bigger and bigger, Starbucks will follow in their footsteps. Maybe it will be a 50 oz drink! Now that’s a good way to start your morning!

7.Pringles Quad-stacker

They already have the grab and go stack. 2012 is about bigger and better. It’s time for the quad stack. 4 flavors stacked into one can!

6.XTRA Stuffed Oreos

First regular, then double stuffed Oreo’s. It’s time for XTRA stuffed Oreo’s! The bigger the better.

4.Bacon Soda

Because everything really is better with bacon. Ron Swanson would be proud

4.Deep Fried Frosting

Alright Deep Fried Fair Folk. This is my idea and it hasn’t been out there at fairs yet. When you win the prize for the newest, most creative deep fried food in 2012, I expect a fat salute to Fatty Lane.

3.Cookie Chip Combo packs

They already have frozen pizza and cookie dough sold in the same box. I think it’s time for cookies and chips to come in the same bag. Crunchy, gooey, sweet and salty all in one bag. Is there anything better?

2.Drive Thru All you can eat buffet

People are getting sick and tired of walking from their cars to the buffet lines. I think this is the year when the drive thru buffet hits it big. They can even have a mobility scooter special for those environmentally conscious eaters who rode their scooters instead of drove to help save the environment.

1.Susanne Eman Size Combo Meal’s

Susanne Eman eats 12 tacos, a pan of brownies, 2 liters of soda and 8 scoops of ice cream for dinner so why can’t you? Taco Bell could pave the way for bigger size combo meals with the Susanne Eman combo.

The Evolution of Fatty Food

We’ve come a long way from from our hunter-gatherer ancestors. From hunting game to sitting in the Taco Bell Drive Thru, we’ve made some “progress”. How did we get from water to Kool-aid Pickles? Here are some food milestones listed below. (Here is an interesting semi-full list)

Pre 50,000 BC- Water, oysters, shellfish, eggs, mushrooms, insects, acorns,

35,000 BC- Fruits, roots and nuts

29,000 BC- Paleolithic people in central Europe cook mammoth and other animals in Pits

10,000 BC- Almonds

9,000 BC- Sheep

8,000 BC- Apples

7,000 BC- Pork, beans, walnuts, pistachios

6,500 BC- Cattle

6,000 BC- Wine, broccoli

5,500 BC- Honey, lettuce

5,000 BC- Olives, chiles, avocado, cheese, potatoes,

4,000 BC-citrus fruits, watermelon

3,200 BC- Chicken

3,000 BC- pea’s carrots, onions, garlic

2,737 BC- Tea

2,000 BC- marshmallows

1,500 BC- Chocolate, Peanuts

1,200 BC- Sugar

1,000 BC- Pickles, Peaches

900 BC- Tomatoes

700 BC- Cinnamon

500 BC- Sausage, pastries, vinegar

490 BC- Pasta

400 BC- Bananas

200 BC- Turkey

1st Century- French Toast, Waffles, Lobster, Crab, Shrimp, strawberries, raspberries,Ice Cream

2nd Century- Sushi

5th Century- Pretzels

9th Century- Coffee

11th Century- Corned Beef

13th Century- Hamburgers

15th Century- Coconuts, pork and beans, pineapples

16th Century- Brussels sprouts

17th Century- Pralines, Doughnuts, Coffee Cake, maple syrup, bagels, rum,

18th Century- French Fries, root beer, muffins, crackers, casserole, mayonnaise, lollipops,

19th Century- Ice Cream Cones, butterscotch, Chicken Fried Steak, fondue, Dr, Pepper, American Chinese Food, Potato Chips, Breakfast Cereal, synthetic baby food, margarine, ketchup, candy corn, Fig Newtons, Jello, Cotton Candy, Coca Cola, Pepsi

1901- Peanut Butter and Jelly

1902- Animal Crackers

1904- Banana Splits

1905- New York Pizza

1906- Corn Flakes

1911- Crisco

1912- Oreos

1914- Fettuccine Alfredo

1915- Hush puppies

1917- Moon Pie, Fluff

1920- Eskimo Pie

1921- Wonder Bread

1922- Gummy Bears, Girl Scout Cookies

1923- Popsicles

1924- Frozen Foods

1927- Kool- aid

1931- Buscuick

1932- Fritos

1934-Hawaiian Punch

1935- Sloppy Joes

1937- Spam, Krispy Kreme

1938- Canned Soda

1941- Cheerios, M &M’s

1942- Corn Dogs

1943- Nachos, Deep Dish Pizza

1949- Whoppers

1953- Peeps, TV dinners

1954- Ranch Dressing

1957- Tang

1964- Buffalo Wings

1965- Gatorade, Slurpees

1968- Pringles

1970’s- Gyros

1973- Egg Mcmuffins

1976- Pop Rocks, Starburst

1978- Reese’s Pieces

1980- Jell-o Pudding pops

1985- Hamburger helper

1986- Microwave Popcorn

1987- Red Bull

1990- Campbells Cream of Broccoli Soup

1991- Crisco Sticks

1992- Arizona Bottled Ice Tea

1993- Boca Burger

1995- Turkey Bacon

1996- Baked Lays

1997- V8 Splash

2000’s- Genetically Modified Tomato, Rock Star Energy Drink, Deep fried Coke, Deep Fried Butter, Deep Fried Kool-aid, Deep Fried PB&J, Deep Fried Twinkies, Deep Fried Everything else

It looks like we took a turn for the fatty right around the 17th century. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us!

Top 10 ways fat people try to act healthy

“One double Venti Soy Vanilla Latte with 7 pumps” says the overweight woman in front of me at Starbucks to the man behind the counter. “Soy milk is better for you than regular milk” she tells her fat friend.

While eating at 5 napkin burger, I listen to the fat woman behind me telling her friends how she “puts on muscle so easily” and how she “used to have a 6 pack…well maybe not a full 6 pack but definitely a 4 pack.” She orders the vegetable roll and a diet coke and tells her in shape friends “Sushi is good for you.”

Fat People love to tell their friends how great they feel and how healthy they are. Here are the top 10 ways fat people try to act healthy.

10.Fat free chips

It’s still a potato chip.

9.100 calorie packs

Putting cookies in a bag and writing 100 calories makes them healthy? Don Draper would be proud.

8.Soy milk

Give me extra pumps mr. Starbucks man because I got soy milk!

7.Fat Free Cream Cheese

This will go great on those healthy fat free bagels…

6.Lean Cuisine

Pass the salt shaker.

5.Juice

Diabetes in a bottle

4.Diet Soda

“Yeah give me two #4 combo meals and an extra side of fries…oh an a diet coke please.”

3. I can’t believe it’s not butter

Processed Vegetable oil spread. Yeah I’ll use that one.

2.Frozen Yogurt

Everyone knows froyo is a vehicle for toppings!

1.Whole Grain foods

I need my “hearty healthy whole grains” , now where’s the syrup?

Fat Tax

Denmark has become the first Country in the world to put a tax on fat. Researchers at Denmark’s Institute of Food and Resource Economics have decided that 4% of the country’s premature deaths are due to foods high in saturated fats. Even though Saturated Fat have never ACTUALLY been proven to lead to heart disease, the Government has decided to tax products with more than 2.3% saturated fat. Be ready to shell out some dough for butter, butter will cost about 30% more with the new tax.

natural grass fed butter is killing you...

The good news is, you can still buy hydrogenated oil butter sprays and spreads without having to worry about spending all that extra money! These are obviously much better for you health as they’re natural and require no processing. Those healthy low fat cookies and candy you love will still be available without the tax as well! Government is great!

...but this is still good for you

Reuse Your Old Pringles Can

Everything about Pringles is awesome. They taste great, the can looks like it’s made for tennis balls, and the guy on the front has a sweet mustache. After you finish your can of Pringles, don’t just suck the crumbs down and throw out the can, put it to good use. Here are a few awesome ways to re-use an old Pringles can…or you can always send it to this guy.

Pringles Bong

Check out the instructions here. Obviously this is to smoke flavored tobacco, because marijuana is illegal mmkay.

Soap Mold

Anyone who has seen fight club knows you can use fat to make soap. This makes a Pringles can a great way to  mold it.

Wi-fi Antenna Extender

Here’s how you do it

Pringles Phone

Tie a string to a can of Pringles and talk to your neighbors through your bedroom window

Pringles Strip Light

Pretty awesome for home photography. Here is how.

Pringles Ipod Dock

Build your own. Listen to all your favorite fat songs.

Pringles Rocket

Find out how here. Don’t try this at home unless you are stupid…actually I don’t care do whatever you want.

Put Your Cat in it

Unless it’s too fat to fit.

Top 10 Ways People get to Fatty Lane

I get some awesome search engine referrals to Fatty Lane. I get the standard searches for  ssbbw and Pauline Potter but these 10 are my favorite.

10. “fat burrito man”

I really hope this is some sort of superhero.

9. “fat shit eating pringles”

Pringles should pay me for promoting their wonderful product.

8. “fat knee”

I wonder if they had a swollen knee, or if they were looking for someone with fat on their knees.

7. “airplane and football”

I mainly write about airplanes and football so…

6. “teddy bare nude girl and teddy bear”

Sounds like a bad late night showtime movie.

5.”fat blob eating”

It isn’t nice to call someone a blob.

4. “the fattest booby in the world”

Who cares about the fattest boobies, I want to find a girl with one giant fat boob.

3. “fat ugly chinese kids steroids gone wrong”

My original name for the blog, I should’ve kept it.

2. “eating nachos off a girls ass”

The fact that my blog comes up when this is searched for makes me know I provide meaningful content. I feel bad for the person searching for this. It’s not easy to find someone eating nachos off a girl’s ass. Luckily my ninja photography was able to help you out. I was able to get a real life picture of Justin Bieber eating nachos off a girl’s ass. Look for this is next month’s People Magazine.

1. “i want to slap susanne eman’ smile off her face”

HAHAHAHAHA!

Fatty Lane Guide: Become the World’s Heaviest SSBBW

Pauline Potter sits proud perched on her chair. It took years of not working hard to get to where she is today. At 47, she is the fattest woman in the world and has two other SSBBW’s hot on her trail. Susanne Eman and Donna Simpson are the next closest in weight and hope to catch her soon. If this excites you, ask yourself this question, why can’t YOU be the next fattest woman in the world? Guess what? You can! If you follow these 6 easy steps below, you too can be the fattest woman in the world.

Step 1: Eat, Eat, Eat

Note: Don't eat the baby

Susanne Eman eats more than 20,000 calories per day. If you want to catch up in the great SSBBW race, You need to consume at least 25,000 calories per day. Eat 7-10 meals per day. Deep fry everything. Eat fast food. Wake up in the middle of the night to eat. To become the fat, you have to think like the fat.

Step 2: Become a couch potato

If you really want to become an SSBBW, stop doing anything other than eating,sleeping and eating some more. Get the premium Netflix account and know your Chinese food delivery man’s cell phone number. Sit around and wait for the weight.

Step 3: Tell everyone how great you feel

No matter how terrible your body feels, you must tell everyone around you how much healthier and better you feel since gaining weight. This is what all the pro’s do. They feel so much better. They feel healthier. Even if you feel like complete garbage, tell everyone how great it feels to be gaining weight.

Step 4: Get a motorized scooter

Our friend Donna Simpson

So you’ve been eating, sitting around, and telling everyone how great you feel? Now’s  the time to really get immobile. Get a motorized scooter so you never have to leave your growing ass. Drive it from the couch to the bathroom. Take it to the grocery store. This is your new best friend for weight gain.

Step 5: Tell everyone you’re a sex goddess

All SSBBW’s do this. It doesn’t matter that you can’t tie your own shoes or wipe your own ass, you need to tell everyone you have sex all the time and men are constantly after you. Pauline Potter claims she is a “sex goddess” and “has fantastic sex every day. Everyone knows this is complete bullshit, but it’s a necessary part of the process. Just like baseball players deny they took steroids, or Bill Clinton denied his affair with Monica Lewinsky, SSBBW’s love to lie about their sex lives.

Step 6: Be Patient

Luckily there’s a fine line being patient and being lazy. Just sit around, relax, open a couple cans of Pringles and watch your ass grow.

Big Fat Potheads?

There’s nothing like a good case of the munchies. Many people know, love, and follow the routine: get high, eat, repeat. A new study that has been released shows some big fat results. Stoners are less likely to be obese than their non-smoking counterparts. The study was done by Dr. Yann Le Strat, a psychiatrist at France’s Louis-Mourier Hospital. He looked at data from two studies of U.S. adults from the early 2000s and documented some differences between those who smoked marijuana and those who didn’t. In each of the two studies, pot smokers had relatively low rates of obesity: 14.3 and 17.2 percent. American adults who didn’t puff the magic dragon had obesity rates of 22 and 25.3 percent.

The major flaw in this study is that the researcher doesn’t take into account that obese people don’t need to smoke pot. Let’s compare a high person to a fat person.

Typical Day for a Stoner                                              

1.Wake up

2.Smoke pot

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Smoke pot

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Smoke pot

10. Go to bed

Typical Day for a Fat Ass

1. Wake up

2. Take a shit

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Take a shit

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Google SSBBW porn (and probably get brought to this site)

10. Go to bed

So you see, the reason why obese people are less likely to smoke weed is they don’t need drugs to make them sit around on their asses, eat and do nothing all day. To a fat person, this all comes quite naturally. However, if you are fat and are looking for the most cliche way to get high, make a pringles bong.