Fat Siesta

I know it has been more than a week since a new post at Fatty Lane. I have been busy with lots of different stuff. Fatty Lane is not dead, just on a fat siesta. Regular posting will return later this week. In the mean time here are some things to keep you busy.

-Disney had a fat fighting exhibit…that basically closed right away.

mirror on the wall, who's the fattest one of all?

-Are you fat, big boned, pleasantly plump or just greedy?

-Hungry? Try a bacon, wild boar and country sausage scramble.

-Does fat=sick?

-Does a bad economy make people lose weight?


Fatty Lane Guide: Mastering Valentine’s Day

Everyone’s favorite Hallmark holiday is coming up! If you have a special fatty out there, you’ve come to the right place! If you don’t, there is still time to find one! Finding the perfect gift is always a challenge but here are some ideas.

Sexy Lingerie:

Girls love home-made gifts and sexy gifts. Why not give her both? Make her some beef jerky underwear.


All girls love chocolate. That’s an easy one. Fat girls love all food so you need to step up your game. Nothing says “I love you” like some smoked meat. Try these Bacon Chocolate Truffles.


Diamonds are the way to any girl’s heart. Bacon is the way to any fatty’s stomach. Let her know that any time is bacon time with a bacon watch.

Take her out for a nice dinner:

Duh! If she’s fat she likes food!

If these ideas don’t work for you, just browse around Fatty Lane! You can learn a fat song to sing her or bake her some cupcakes. Or just get her a card…


Win a Free Trip to the Zoo!!!

Doctors in the UK have started referring patients to the zoo if they’re too fat to fit into a CT scanner. According to the article, This is a common practice in America. Damn you Britain, will you please get over the fact you lost the Evolutionary war and stop making fun of Fat americans…leave that to us Americans, we don’t need any help…

Dr. Riaz Dharamshi wrote on his blog, “imagine the humiliation for the patient. ‘I’m sorry sir but you are too fat to have a CT scan, so we are going to send you to the zoo where they are used to dealing with larger spcimens.'” Maybe the doctors just need to rephrase the offer. “Congratulations! You’ve been randomly selected to get a CT scan in the dream location of your choice!!!! You can get one done on an airplane, in a hot air balloon, OR at the ZOO!”

How Exciting!

Saving You from the Obesity Monster

A new study has been published on soda consumption showing that Americans consumed 13.8 billion gallons of “sugary beverages” in 2009. This equates to about 45 gallons. This doesn’t include diet soda either. The study found that if we increased the tax on soda by a penny-per-ounce, this could lower the number of new cases of diabetes by 2.6 percent and prevent 95,000 episodes of hear disease, 8,000 strokes and 26,000 premature death. In addition, it would save an estimated $17 billion in medical costs over the next 10 years. Ahh, the beauty of observation.

According to Sugarydrinkfacts.org, Hispanic children saw 49% more ads for sugary soda and black children and teens saw 80-90% more ads for sugary drinks compared to whites. This isn’t really surprising considering black children watch A LOT more television than white children do.

We’re a society that loves inflated statistics and scare-tatic advertising…

Experts often point to cigarette taxes lowering smoking rates. Keep in mind, at the same time these taxes were imposed, tons of money was pumped into anti-smoking campaigns. It isn’t fair to compare smoking to drinking soda because fewer than 20% of Americans smoke, but almost all of them drink soda occasionally. If you don’t smoke, you don’t smoke. If you don’t drink soda, chances are you’ll still have one occasionally, whether it be at a party, sporting event or restaurant.

Some states already have soda taxes, How are those working out for them? Let’s look at the top 5 and bottom 5 states in terms of obesity and their soda taxes.

Top 5 States with the Highest Obesity Rates:

1.Mississippi- 34.4% obese,

Soda Tax: 8%

2.Alabama- 32.3% Obese,

Soda Tax: 4%

3.West Virginia- 32.2% Obese

Soda tax: 6%

4.Tennessee- 31.9% Obese,

Soda tax: 5.5%

5.Louisiana- 31.6% Obese

Soda tax: none


Top 5 States with the Lowest Obesity Rates:

1.Colorado- 19.8

Soda tax: none

2.Washington DC- 21.7%

Soda tax: none

3.Connecticut- 21.8%

Soda tax: 6%

4.Massachusetts- 22.3

Soda tax: none

5.Hawaii- 23.1%

Soda tax: 4%

The state with the highest obesity rate has the highest soda tax while 3 of the 5 “healthiest” states have no soda tax. Maybe the answer is to eliminate soda tax! Hey, look at that, I’ve just completed an awesome observational study!!! I’ll expect my check in the mail next week for saving this country from the obesity monster…

I will get you if you drink soda!


Cut your Portions…Or Cut Your Legs Off

Following in the footsteps of Georgia, New York City has released some pretty crappy anti-obesity ads. They say if you don’t lessen your portion size, you will lose your legs.

Rather than trying to show people how bad soda is for them, they just say to drink less…so you can keep your limbs. If only they would have taken this approach with illegal drugs! Don’t do too much cocaine…or your nose will bleed.

Arrrrrg....should've gotten the small bottle!

The second advertisement shows an obese woman taking the stairs (maybe to improve her health?). Rather than promote movement and physical activity, they say she needs to eat less french fries so she can be healthier.

So if she gets a small soda and fries she can keep her legs and take the stairs? Seems logical to me. My biggest problem with these advertisements is they’re eerily similar to Taco Bell’s latest advertisements…


To be Fit or be Fat, That is the Question

Are you fat and fit? Prepare to live a nice long life. In an 11 year study of more than 14,000 American men, researchers found those who stayed “fit” lowered their risk of dying by up to 30% compared with those who stopped being “fit”.

Men who improved their fitness levels lowered their risk by up to 44%. For every unit improvement in fitness, there was a 15% decrease in death from any cause and a 19% decrease in dying from heart-related episodes. All these changes happened regardless of how much weight men gained or lost.

I smell something fishy. And i think the fish is fried.

First off the study only looked at men who were close to normal weight or only slightly overweight. What about someone who is obese? Are they healthy if they stay fit? First off, what does “fit” mean?

“Fit” used as as intransitive verb is defined as being the proper size and shape. Fitness is defined as the state of being fit. Using logic, defined as using your noggin to think and reason, how can someone possibly be fat and fit?

"We're both fit!"

The study also didn’t take diet into consideration. Slamming down twinkies for breakfast and hitting the elliptical for an hour can make you live longer? As long as you are “fit” I suppose. This seems to be an observational study with specific results in mind before the study even began.


Top 10 Ways to Stay Fat on Thanksgiving

The ultimate fatty holiday is Thanksgiving. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, everywhere you look you see news stories or articles on how to avoid gaining weight. I’m here to make sure you enjoy your holiday. It only comes once a year and you only live once right? Let’s look at the top 10 ways to make sure you don’t fall into the trap of losing weight, aka not fully enjoying thanksgiving.

1. Eat a Big Breakfast

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Just because you are feasting later, that doesn’t mean you should skip or skimp on breakfast. Load up your plate a prep your gut for the goodness to come.

2. Skip the physical activity

All the calorie counting losers around you will be looking to burn a few calories by getting outside and exercising. Big mistake. You don’t need to move, the couch will do just fine. If you must join the fam outside suggest a game of football. Volunteer to be the referee or the kicker.

3. skip the water

They say “water will make  you full and you’ll want to eat less.” Precisely the problem. You are allowed alcohol of any kind, soda or other sugary drinks, dairy and caffeine.

4.Sit around and watch football

The Green Bay vs. Detroit game might even be worth watching this year! Basketball would get the nod too…except they can’t get their act together.

5. Eat early

Note: Don't eat your cat or dog

The sooner you eat, the more time you have to eat the rest of the day. Aim for a lunchtime feast and you’ll be having some next day leftovers the same day.

6. Take two plates to start

You need to set the tone the right way. Take a minimum of two plates to start. This ensures you’ll get top notch fresh food as well as a good start to stuffing your gullet.

7. Mix in dessert with dinner

Why wait until the end of the meal for the good stuff? You should have a slice of pie on every plate you eat. Make sure you have a nice variety for dessert. Oh, and make sure you save some dessert for dessert.

8. Skip the Vegetables

Just like water, it’s a waste of taste and space in your stomach. With all the delicious Thanksgiving food, veggies should be your last option. Unless of course they are government approved veggies like pizza and french fries.

9. Gravy

Gravy is the best part of Thanksgiving. It should go on everything. Put some in your coffee. Put it on your your turkey. Put it on your pie. Drink it straight. It’s delicious.

10. Adapt an “it’s a now or never” attitude

People will say “No need to stuff your face, you can eat turkey year round.” This is true but Thanksgiving day only comes once. You can have a bbq and a watermelon in January but it’s not the same as doing it on 4th of July. To truly enjoy the holiday, you must realize it’s now or never. Eat like it will be your last Thanksgiving…chances are it might be and your heart will stop beating before the next one.




A Brave New (Fat) World

According to NPR, We are fat. If our current weight gain trend continues, 83% of men and 72% of women will be overweight or obese by 2020.  They say we should be frightened as civilians.These numbers come from Mark Huffman, an associate professor of preventative medicine and cardiology at Northwestern University.

The answer? Doctors need to stop avoiding talking with their patients about weight. Why do doctors avoid this? Because patients will stop going to the doctor if they feel they’re going going to be told they’re not losing enough weight. They recommend easier access to fruits and veggies and more P.E classes in school blah, blah, whole grains, blah, blah.

I call BS. Everyone knows the world is ending in 2012…

Why We’re Getting Fatter

Please stop trying to prove them right.


1950- 33% of Americans overweight. 10% Obese

1970- 47% of Americans overweight. 15% Obese

Today-65% of Americans overweight. 30% Obese

Those are some pretty big changes over 60 years. Health “experts” say we’re getting fatter because of too much fat in our diets and not enough heart healthy “whole grains.” Let’s break it down. (See every year here)

So our meat, egg and nut consumption has increased 4.1% since 1970

Our fruit consumption has increased 22%

Our dairy consumption has decreased 3.7%

Our vegetable consumption has decreased 2.4 percent

Our added sugar consumption has increased 14%

Our added fat consumption has increased 56.3%

Our grain consumption has increased 44.6%

Problem solved. It’s all the animal fat that’s making us fatter. Or is it? Grain consumption increased 44.6% and added sugar increased 14%. Let’s look a little deeper into this.

The USDA puts out an agricultural fact book in 2001-2002. One of the chapters was profiling food consumption in America since the 1950’s. We’ll compare how we ate in the 1950’s to how we eat now. (Read the whole thing here)


Our whole milk consumption decreased 72.8%

Our Lower Fat milk consumption increased 427%

Full Fat Ice Cream consumption decreased 11.6

Low Fat Ice Cream and Sherbert consumption increased 120%

Added Sweeteners

Cane Sugar consumption has decreased by 32%

Corn Sweetener consumption has increased by 675%

High Fructose Corn Syrup has increased by Infinity%


Salad and cooking oils (AKA Vegetable oils and seed oils like soybean or canola oil) consumption increased 259%

Shortening (vegetable oil solid at room temperature) consumption increased 111%

Lard and Beef tallow (Pig fat and cow fat) consumption decreased 42%

Butter consumption decreased 55.5%

Margarine (butter substitute) increased by 2.4 percent


Flour consumption has increased by 16%

Corn consumption has increased by 84%

Rice Consumption has increased by 271.6%


Beef consumption has increased by 21.9%

Pork consumption has increased by 5%

Veal and Lamb consumption has decreased by 83.5%

Total “Bad Fatty Red Meat” consumption has increased by 6%

Chicken consumption has increased 222.5%

Turkey consumption has increased by 231.7%

“Healthy Lean” White meat consumption has increased 224%

Seafood consumption has increased 39.4%

Egg Consumption has decreased 33%


What have we been doing the last 60 years during which time obesity rates have increased 200%?

High Fructose Corn Syrup has increased by Infinity%

Corn Sweetener consumption has increased by 675%

Our Lower Fat milk consumption increased 427%

Vegetable oil consumption increased 259%

“Healthy Lean” White meat consumption has increased 224%

So What does the government tell us to do? They tell us in order to be healthy we need to eat lots of grains, fruits, vegetables and low-fat lean proteins. We’ve eaten more grains, more fruits, only slightly less vegetables, and more lean chicken and low-fat dairy. They tell us to eat less fat, especially animal fat. They steer us away from natural foods like butter and put heart healthy logos on smart butter and other fake processed products.

What does the government do to fix the problem? There’s a simple solution. Medicate! The FDA approves the drugs. The “medical professionals” prescribe high blood pressure medication, statins for cholesterol and diabetes drugs. The FDA chooses not to regulate the billion dollar diet and supplement industry and companies put out products without a pronounceable ingredient on the package that promise you will lose weight while you sleep when eating whatever you want. Rinse and Repeat!

Government- 1 Citizens- 0

You Big Fat Monkeys

An experimental drug called Adipotide has been helping obese monkeys lose weight. The drug cuts off blood supply to fat cells and this helps shed some lbs. Are humans next? The drug has already proven effective in mice and the monkeys lost an average of 38.7 percent of their total body fat and 27% of their abdominal fat.

The only side effects were increased urination and slight dehydration…both symptoms of mild kidney failure…no biggie. The next step is to test the drug in obese patients with prostate cancer. Obese people don’t do as well in surgery or with chemotherapy or with running marathons, so the drug may help them lose weight. Once again, our doctors are focusing hard to find a solution to the problem rather than trying to find a better way to prevent it. Maybe one day doctors will come up with a drug that lets everyone eat whatever they want and still look like a fitness model and live to be 150 years old. Darwin would be proud…