Say I Love You…with Pizza Hut

I know what you’re thinking…”Oh shit, it’s Valentine’s Day and I forgot I was going to propose to my girlfriend today and I only have $10,000 in my wallet and how am I ever going to pull this off!?” Don’t worry, Pizza Hut has you covered. Just order the Dinner Box Proposal Package.

Here’s what you get:

A ruby engagement ring

A photographer and videographer

A Limo

Flowers

A Fireworks show

AND Pizza Hut’s new $10 dinner box that includes on medium one topping pizza, five bread sticks with marinara sauce, and ten cinnamon sticks.

If you want pepperoni and sausage you pay extra. That’s messed up. Don’t forget to tip 20%. I’ll stick with the taco bell wedding package.

For $5o, you get:

A custom “will  you marry me?” fire sauce packet

A chihuahua to officiate the wedding

matching “Taco Bell” ring tattoos

A 5$ box

Scratch that. They’re working together anyway! Damn you corporate America!

 

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Fatty Lane Guide: Mastering Valentine’s Day

Everyone’s favorite Hallmark holiday is coming up! If you have a special fatty out there, you’ve come to the right place! If you don’t, there is still time to find one! Finding the perfect gift is always a challenge but here are some ideas.

Sexy Lingerie:

Girls love home-made gifts and sexy gifts. Why not give her both? Make her some beef jerky underwear.


Chocolate:

All girls love chocolate. That’s an easy one. Fat girls love all food so you need to step up your game. Nothing says “I love you” like some smoked meat. Try these Bacon Chocolate Truffles.

Jewelery:

Diamonds are the way to any girl’s heart. Bacon is the way to any fatty’s stomach. Let her know that any time is bacon time with a bacon watch.

Take her out for a nice dinner:

Duh! If she’s fat she likes food!

If these ideas don’t work for you, just browse around Fatty Lane! You can learn a fat song to sing her or bake her some cupcakes. Or just get her a card…

 

The Bacon Tampon

There are already so many uses for bacon. The Guardian recently reported that shoving bacon up your nose can stop a nosebleed. Just another reason bacon is awesome. Doctors at Detroit Medical Center treated a child with a prolonged nosebleed by using a “nasal tampon” made out of cured salted pork. The method was used two times in a 24 hour period (pun!) to stop the bleeding.

Apparently using salted pork to stop nose bleeds is an old folk lure from the 1800’s. They stopped using this treatment because of parasites and bacteria. The University of Minnesota says the reason the pork works is that the salt and the cold temperature constrict blood vessels and the fat stimulates the clotting system.

I smell (pun!) a business opportunity here! Look for Fatty Lane brand bacon band-aids on your local store shelves soon.

 

Fat Acting!

I recently did a post about anti-obesity advertisements that were run by New York City to try to get people to pay attention to their portion sizes. They questioned the ethics of soda and fast food portion sizes. Here is the original ad.

Wow, he had to get his leg amputated because he ordered large sodas. It turns out he didn’t. A health department spokesman said ” We might stop using actors in our ads if the food industry stops using actors in theirs.” I’m not quite sure what this means. You mean to say you couldn’t find a fat person out there with one leg? This sounds like laziness to me. I don’t understand who he wants the food industry to use in their advertisements. In photo advertisements, it’s generally just pictures of delicious food. Sure it never looks like the real food, but everyone knows that already. Does he want fat actors in their advertisements? Actors with one leg? Fat actors with two legs who have been photoshopped? This is the original picture of the man.

Look at that! He has both of his legs! Still something seemed fishy so I did some digging. It turn’s out the picture above was photoshopped from this original

and that was photoshopped from this…

It all makes sense now. Lebron was the actor they hired. Maybe that’s why he plays like he has one leg in the playoffs.

Saving You from the Obesity Monster

A new study has been published on soda consumption showing that Americans consumed 13.8 billion gallons of “sugary beverages” in 2009. This equates to about 45 gallons. This doesn’t include diet soda either. The study found that if we increased the tax on soda by a penny-per-ounce, this could lower the number of new cases of diabetes by 2.6 percent and prevent 95,000 episodes of hear disease, 8,000 strokes and 26,000 premature death. In addition, it would save an estimated $17 billion in medical costs over the next 10 years. Ahh, the beauty of observation.

According to Sugarydrinkfacts.org, Hispanic children saw 49% more ads for sugary soda and black children and teens saw 80-90% more ads for sugary drinks compared to whites. This isn’t really surprising considering black children watch A LOT more television than white children do.

We’re a society that loves inflated statistics and scare-tatic advertising…

Experts often point to cigarette taxes lowering smoking rates. Keep in mind, at the same time these taxes were imposed, tons of money was pumped into anti-smoking campaigns. It isn’t fair to compare smoking to drinking soda because fewer than 20% of Americans smoke, but almost all of them drink soda occasionally. If you don’t smoke, you don’t smoke. If you don’t drink soda, chances are you’ll still have one occasionally, whether it be at a party, sporting event or restaurant.

Some states already have soda taxes, How are those working out for them? Let’s look at the top 5 and bottom 5 states in terms of obesity and their soda taxes.

Top 5 States with the Highest Obesity Rates:

1.Mississippi- 34.4% obese,

Soda Tax: 8%

2.Alabama- 32.3% Obese,

Soda Tax: 4%

3.West Virginia- 32.2% Obese

Soda tax: 6%

4.Tennessee- 31.9% Obese,

Soda tax: 5.5%

5.Louisiana- 31.6% Obese

Soda tax: none

 

Top 5 States with the Lowest Obesity Rates:

1.Colorado- 19.8

Soda tax: none

2.Washington DC- 21.7%

Soda tax: none

3.Connecticut- 21.8%

Soda tax: 6%

4.Massachusetts- 22.3

Soda tax: none

5.Hawaii- 23.1%

Soda tax: 4%

The state with the highest obesity rate has the highest soda tax while 3 of the 5 “healthiest” states have no soda tax. Maybe the answer is to eliminate soda tax! Hey, look at that, I’ve just completed an awesome observational study!!! I’ll expect my check in the mail next week for saving this country from the obesity monster…

I will get you if you drink soda!

 

Cut your Portions…Or Cut Your Legs Off

Following in the footsteps of Georgia, New York City has released some pretty crappy anti-obesity ads. They say if you don’t lessen your portion size, you will lose your legs.

Rather than trying to show people how bad soda is for them, they just say to drink less…so you can keep your limbs. If only they would have taken this approach with illegal drugs! Don’t do too much cocaine…or your nose will bleed.

Arrrrrg....should've gotten the small bottle!

The second advertisement shows an obese woman taking the stairs (maybe to improve her health?). Rather than promote movement and physical activity, they say she needs to eat less french fries so she can be healthier.

So if she gets a small soda and fries she can keep her legs and take the stairs? Seems logical to me. My biggest problem with these advertisements is they’re eerily similar to Taco Bell’s latest advertisements…

 

My Fat may be funny to you but it’s killing me

That’s Maya Walters taking a shot at fatty lane. Her advertisement is part of a series of ad’s running in Georgia right now to prevent childhood obesity. You can see them all here. The one i chose to focus on is Bobby. Here are his ads.

 

 

I haven’t touched on childhood obesity on Fatty Lane. The reason I haven’t is because it’s not kids faults they’re fat. They don’t do the grocery shopping or the cooking. They don’t drive to get fast food for lunch every day. They only choose to sit on their ass all playing video games because their parents let them. Let’s face it, not all Parents like being parents, and some parents are just plain stupid.

In the obesity video with Bobby, he asks his fat mom why he’s fat. She doesn’t answer. Then comes the text “75% of Georgia parents with overweight kids don’t recognize the problem. Stop sugar coating it Georgia.” Let me fill you in on your problem strong4life, AKA Children’s healthcare of Atlanta AKA the company running these ads. THE PARENTS DON’T RECOGNIZE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM EITHER! 65% of Georgia is fat or overweight. You really think the problem is they’re sugarcoating it? Unless they are literally coating everything they eat in sugar, I call bullshit.

First of all, Doctors aren’t even telling their patients they’re fat! You really think it’s the parents fault? Here’s a fat parent who goes to the doctor, and they say “you have a high BMI so you might want to watch what you eat and exercise.” Most people won’t take that as “you are fat and if  you don’t change your lifestyle, you will probably die.” People hear “try to eat healthier and consult the  get more grains and vitamins and healthy fats.” They go out and buy…

Look at that, they’re being healthy! Eating plenty of vitamins and eating lean healthy protein along with grains! They feed these foods to their kids who love them. Who says kids don’t like healthy foods! It’s comical to me a healthcare company is running this campaign. They’re greatly benefiting from overweight people! They’re all part of the master plan fat conspiracy where everyone wins.

Master Plan Fat Conspiracy

 

The government misleads the people making them fatter, they have fat kids, their health insurance goes up, they have to visit the doctor more often, who prescribes them pills for their problem. Win, Win, Win. How do the people win you ask? In the words of Ron Swanson,

“The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that’s beautiful.”

 

Well said. Proud to be an American!

 

Well That Explains Why Everyone is So Stupid

As I mentioned in a previous post, Americans have increased there trans fat consumption a ton since the 1950s when the stuff was rarely used. This was back when people still cooked dinner every night and would choose butter or animal fat over hydrogenated vegetable oils.

As the years passed, people consumed more trans fats and got fatter. The number of stupid people in the world seems to be growing at an alarming rate as well. Maybe there’s a connection?

Researchers have determined that people with a diet high in trans fat are more likely to experience brain shrinkage associated with Alzheimer’s disease than people who consume less trans fat. So keep eating those cookies, cakes and pies! Watch your gut grow and your brain shrink! Don’t worry, you probably won’t live long enough to experience the brain shrinkage.

 

Fatty Flushing

A man in San Francisco pretending to be a physicians assistant got busted. I don’t see what the big deal is…all he did was impersonate someone else, pretend to be a physician’s assistant, perform illegal liposuction, smoke a cigar during surgery, and improperly dispose of the fat removed after the procedure.

Apparently what the fake Carlos Guzmangarza does (sweet name by the way) is picks his clients up at their house in his own car and drives them to his fake clinic that he opened up. He gives the patient a local anesthetic  to numb the area, lights up and performs the surgery. All for a bargain of $3,000!

Carlos Guzmangarza?

The best part is he shows up at his patients house the next day with pounds of fat and says the woman must flush that fat down their own toilet. Carlos also injected an unknown substance into this woman’s face to treat her for acne. The woman says she never suspected anything  until her abdomen became infected and a real doctor told her normal doctors don’t smoke during operations or make your dispose of your own hazardous waste. I’m shocked she was conned, she sounds like a really smart lady…

Top 10 Reasons to Get Fat Over the Holidays

10. The food is good

Whether it’s a Christmas Feast or some delicious Chanukah Potato Latkes, holiday feasts are generally delicious and 100% worth scarfing down.

9.Egg Nog

Cream, sugar and eggs. Oh, and some brandy. Does it get any better?

8.Extra insulation for the cold winter months

Let your fat keep you warm. You don’t need no stinkin’ clothes…

7.You can hide your fat under a jacket until the spring

…But if you do need clothes, you can hide all your fat under a jacket.

6. Play santa at christmas parties

Play SSBBS(Super-sized-big-beautiful-santa) at your company Christmas Party. Every child loves sitting on a fat Santa’s lap…unless it’s at Joe Paterno’s Christmas party.

5. So you can be more jolly

Fat goes with Jolly like Peanut Butter goes with jelly.

4.Stock up on new clothes at after christmas sales

Packing on the lbs will force you to buy a new wardrobe.

3.Makes your new years resolution to lose weight easier

Everyone says they’ll lose weight as their New Years resolution. Why not make it easier on yourself and lose the weight you just gained over the holidays…and buy more new clothes.

2.Play the Christmas drinking game guilt free

Sounds pretty awesome to me.

1.Because Fat is Funny

It really is funny.