Say I Love You…with Pizza Hut

I know what you’re thinking…”Oh shit, it’s Valentine’s Day and I forgot I was going to propose to my girlfriend today and I only have $10,000 in my wallet and how am I ever going to pull this off!?” Don’t worry, Pizza Hut has you covered. Just order the Dinner Box Proposal Package.

Here’s what you get:

A ruby engagement ring

A photographer and videographer

A Limo

Flowers

A Fireworks show

AND Pizza Hut’s new $10 dinner box that includes on medium one topping pizza, five bread sticks with marinara sauce, and ten cinnamon sticks.

If you want pepperoni and sausage you pay extra. That’s messed up. Don’t forget to tip 20%. I’ll stick with the taco bell wedding package.

For $5o, you get:

A custom “will  you marry me?” fire sauce packet

A chihuahua to officiate the wedding

matching “Taco Bell” ring tattoos

A 5$ box

Scratch that. They’re working together anyway! Damn you corporate America!

 

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Fat Fast Food

If you live near a fast food restaurant, you aren’t more likely to gain weight. Researchers looked at 30 years of data collected from participants in the Framingham Heart Study, which gathered information on heart health and weight in people around Framingham, Ma.

Researchers found that “living near a fast-food restaurant had no effect on weight overall, with a minimal effect for women.”

He went  on to shockingly to state, “Our study shows that it’s likely not where you live that matters, but what you eat.”

This may be a breakthrough in the weight loss community. It’s what you EAT that makes you fat!

I smelled something Mcfishy with this study so I did some independent research. You must be more likely to gain weight if you live by a fast food restaurant.  As is turns out…

These are the fattest states in America.

1.    Mississippi (33.8% of adults are obese)
2.    Alabama (31.6%)
3.    Tennessee (31.6%)
4.    West Virginia (31.3%)
5.    Louisiana (31.2%)
6.    Oklahoma (30.6%)
7.    Arkansas (30.1%)
8.    South Carolina (29.9%)
9.    North Carolina (29.4%)
10.  Missouri (29.3%)

Here are the states with the most Mcdonalds per 100,000 people!

Fancy!

1. Hawaii 5.9
2. Michigan 5.4
3.  Ohio 5.4
4.  Wisconsin 5.1
5.  Missouri 5.1
6. Nevada 5.1
7. Louisiana 5.3
8. Kentucky 5.3
9. Kansas 5.3
10.Virginia 5.0

AH HA! Missouri and Louisiana!!!!! You totally have a lot of Mcdonalds and fat people! I will prove this study wrong!

Look at this chart of fast food restaurants per 1,000 people! uhhh…

In conclusion, I wasted time searching the interweb and found nothing. But, polish a turd and you can find a diamond. My new hypothesis is, fat people are better than crappy fast food establishments. They would much rather eat at cheesecake factory. Scratch that, there is no cheesecake factory in Mississippi. You win fat people.

A Big Fat Knee Slapper at White Castle

 

Damn you White Castle and your normal sized chairs. Martin Kessman just wants to sit down and enjoy his #2 Combo. The problem is he can’t. Not only could he not wedge himself into a booth, he also bumped his knee.

After hitting his knee on one the metal supports, he had to limp out of the restaurant. It’s one thing to have a hard time fitting into a seat, but when you start bumping your knee, a line needs to be drawn. So Martin did the only logical thing someone who bumped his knee would do, he filed a lawsuit against White Castle.

Martin states that like pregnant women and handicapped people, he has rights too. It’s not fair that his knee hurts because the booth at White Castle was too small. He hopes one day all fat people can go into restaurants without the worry of bumping their knees.

Martin K(ne)essman

 

Martin says he “isn’t humungous” and claims he has no trouble fitting into seats on airlines or booths at other dining establishments. After writing 3 letters to White Castle, he received coupons for free hamburgers…but the cheese wasn’t included. What a slap in the knee. White Castle has the nerve to make Martin buy his own cheese for his free burgers. He feels this violates his civil rights as a fat man. Martin is seeking bigger booths and unspecified damages. I suppose he could have avoided all this and sat in a chair…