Fatty Lane Guide: Mastering Valentine’s Day

Everyone’s favorite Hallmark holiday is coming up! If you have a special fatty out there, you’ve come to the right place! If you don’t, there is still time to find one! Finding the perfect gift is always a challenge but here are some ideas.

Sexy Lingerie:

Girls love home-made gifts and sexy gifts. Why not give her both? Make her some beef jerky underwear.


Chocolate:

All girls love chocolate. That’s an easy one. Fat girls love all food so you need to step up your game. Nothing says “I love you” like some smoked meat. Try these Bacon Chocolate Truffles.

Jewelery:

Diamonds are the way to any girl’s heart. Bacon is the way to any fatty’s stomach. Let her know that any time is bacon time with a bacon watch.

Take her out for a nice dinner:

Duh! If she’s fat she likes food!

If these ideas don’t work for you, just browse around Fatty Lane! You can learn a fat song to sing her or bake her some cupcakes. Or just get her a card…

 

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A Model…Idiot

Susanne Eman, meet Ioana Spangenberg. She needs some help. She is a model who has tried EVERYTHING to gain weight! And she just can’t do it! Poor little thang.

That’s a 20 inch waist you’re looking at. In a recent article, Ioana says she has tried everything to gain weight around her midsection. She has tried eating three whole meals a day! She has tried snacking on chocolate and crisps ( I hate the word crisps. Call it a chip or a cracker!). Hmm…where have I heard that line before? “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” Oh, that’s right, it’s the anthem of fat dieters.

There’s a big fat acceptance movement and even a pro anorexic movement so why is this woman kidding herself? Why the hell would she try to gain weight around her midsection if her tiny ass waist is the reason she’s a model in the first place? It’s like a sumo wrestler trying to lose weight. It just doesn’t make sense. But, if you really want to gain weight Ioana, try some of the Fatty Lane cookbook recipes! 😉

Seven Layer Cupcakes

Sausage Stuffed Duck Fat Fried Mac and Cheese

3X3 Krinkle Cut Nachos

These guarantee you will get fatter.

Fatty Lane Cookbook: The Meat House Scramble

I love The Meat House. Every time I go in there I find something new and awesome. Whether it’s a local grass-fed rib eye steak, 5 pounds of rendered duck fat or a huge tub of smoked paprika, The Meat house has you covered. This week when I was there, the butcher recommended some chorizo they prepared in house the same day. He said I wouldn’t regret it. Boy, was he right! Below I present “The Meat House Scramble.”

Here’s what’s in it.

In house prepared chorizo patty.

Wild boar salami. I know it looks like an old dog turd but it’s the best salami you’ll ever eat.

Smoked duck breast, Mitchell’s Chili con Queso (also from The Meat House), grass-fed cheddar cheese (Trader Joe’s), tomatillo & roasted yellow chili salsa (Trader Joe’s) and Chipotle Tabasco.

Cook up the chorizo and add in diced wild boar salami and smoked duck breast. When browned, add in your eggs (I used 5). Scramble to perfection. Top with Tabasco, cheese, salsa and a dollop of of Mitchell’s Chili con Queso.

I also brewed some dark roast Illy Coffee with home made coconut whipped cream. Perfect way to start the day!

Rosalie Bradford vs. Susanne Eman

As anyone who has read Fatty Lane knows, the greatweight gain race is is alive and well! There are many vying for the title of fattest woman in the world including Donna Simpson, Pauline Potter and Susanne Eman. I have come to the decision that Rosalie Bradford is the true champion. Not only did she balloon all the way up to 1,200 pounds, she has the world record for the most weight lost by a woman.

Rosalie before and after

As you already know, I think Eman needs to step up her game if she is going to reach her goal of 1600 pounds. I think if she wants to be the true fatty champion she needs to set the world record for heaviest woman AND set the world record for the most weight lost. What would Susanne look like slimmed down? Maybe something like this…

Before and after? Maybe one day...

Only time will tell…

 

Fat Dogs

It isn’t just humans that are fat. Dogs and cats are getting fatter too. I love my big fat pug, and now i learn that she’s just a statistic. 22% of cats and 20% of dogs were obese in 2010. It turns out when dogs sit around, do nothing and eat scraps of their owners junk food they get fat too! Even movie star dogs have been gaining weight.

Shadow, Chance and Sassy were in great shape when they shot Homeward Bound. They have since gained some weight and it shows in their newest feature.

Nestle has decided to help address this growing(pun!) problem. No news on whether chocolate will be offered in their doggy weight loss package…

Be on the lookout for fat dogs on Super Bowl commercials this year. Here is one that is going to air.

Good Dog! This puts Rocky to shame! That dog needs to give Snoopy some pointers. He has really let himself go.

Good Grief

 

Fatty Lane Guide: The 2012 Ultimate Super Bowl Spread

Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest day for U.S food consumption after Thanksgiving Day. It’s also the eighth most popular day to drink beer. All the summer holidays rank ahead of Super Bowl Sunday for good reason. How much do we eat and drink on Super Bowl Sunday?

-About 26 million avocados (“That’s a lot of guacamole!” Name that quote)

– About 28 million pounds of potato chips

– About 90 million pounds of chicken wings (approx. 500 million wings) Some say it’s even more.

-About 8 million pounds of popcorn

– About 50 million cases of beer (Maybe more this year depending on how much Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams drink)

– Pizza Hut will sell 2 million pizzas ( 1.3 million more than the average day). Dominoes will deliver 1.2 million

– Cracker sales increase 70%

-Frozen shrimp sales increase 30%

-6 % of Americans will call out sick on Monday

– It’s the second most popular day for diarrhea after National Taco Bell Day

Just make sure you beat the crowd to the bathroom and leave your couch a few seconds before half time. So what Does the ultimate Super Bowl Spread look like? It’s a fine science crafting the perfect menu. It takes creativity and respect of traditions. I don’t care if everyone orders pizza, you need it on your menu. You wouldn’t leave turkey off your Thanksgiving menu just because everyone else serves it would you? You also need to use your noggin to think creatively and serve some original foods. Below I present you with the 2012 Ultimate Super Bowl spread.

 

 

It’s divided into 4 categories:

1. The classics

2.Beverages

3.Chips and dips

4. Finger foods

5. Desserts

 

The Classics:

1. Pizza

2. Wings

It’s as simple as that. Order from your favorite pizza place or make your own.

Beverages:

1. Crappy American beer like Bud Light

2. A craft beer like Dogfish Head

3. Soda

The perfect trio. Water optional.

Chips and Dips:

1. Tostitos Black Bean and garlic chips

2. Krinkle Cut Kettle Chips

3. Guacamole

4. Salsa

5. Queso Dip

6. French Onion Dip

Buy nice chips!! They make everything better. The black bean and garlic chips are tasty and extra crunchy. Same goes for the Kettle Chips. 4 different dips gives plenty of options for anyone.

Finger Foods:

1. Bacon wrapped dates

2.Bacon deviled eggs

3.Bacon spinach artichoke crostini’s

4.Man Log aka Bacon wrapped sausage and cheese

Bacon makes everything better. Don’t worry about pleasing vegetarian guests. In fact if you have vegetarian friends, kindly take the first right and exit Fatty Lane.

Desserts:

1. Cookies

2. Cupcakes

It’s all about food you can hold and eat with your hands. Try the Fatty Lane 7 layer cupcakes.

This is all it takes to throw the perfect Super Bowl Party…Oh, and a TV.

 

The Bacon Tampon

There are already so many uses for bacon. The Guardian recently reported that shoving bacon up your nose can stop a nosebleed. Just another reason bacon is awesome. Doctors at Detroit Medical Center treated a child with a prolonged nosebleed by using a “nasal tampon” made out of cured salted pork. The method was used two times in a 24 hour period (pun!) to stop the bleeding.

Apparently using salted pork to stop nose bleeds is an old folk lure from the 1800’s. They stopped using this treatment because of parasites and bacteria. The University of Minnesota says the reason the pork works is that the salt and the cold temperature constrict blood vessels and the fat stimulates the clotting system.

I smell (pun!) a business opportunity here! Look for Fatty Lane brand bacon band-aids on your local store shelves soon.

 

Fat Acting!

I recently did a post about anti-obesity advertisements that were run by New York City to try to get people to pay attention to their portion sizes. They questioned the ethics of soda and fast food portion sizes. Here is the original ad.

Wow, he had to get his leg amputated because he ordered large sodas. It turns out he didn’t. A health department spokesman said ” We might stop using actors in our ads if the food industry stops using actors in theirs.” I’m not quite sure what this means. You mean to say you couldn’t find a fat person out there with one leg? This sounds like laziness to me. I don’t understand who he wants the food industry to use in their advertisements. In photo advertisements, it’s generally just pictures of delicious food. Sure it never looks like the real food, but everyone knows that already. Does he want fat actors in their advertisements? Actors with one leg? Fat actors with two legs who have been photoshopped? This is the original picture of the man.

Look at that! He has both of his legs! Still something seemed fishy so I did some digging. It turn’s out the picture above was photoshopped from this original

and that was photoshopped from this…

It all makes sense now. Lebron was the actor they hired. Maybe that’s why he plays like he has one leg in the playoffs.

Paula Deen Caught Red Handed…With Ketchup on her Hands

Paula Deen has decided to celebrate diabetes and her million dollar spokeswoman contract by going on a cruise…and proceeding to eat giant hamburgers! TMZ reported the story with a picture of Paula Stuffing her face.

Courtesy TMZ

You go Paula. Way to say eff off diabetes and eat what you want. Oh wait…you claim your eating didn’t contribute your diabetes anyway. The picture didn’t really surprise me. She really looks like she’s ravishing that burger. She must have read the Fatty Lane top 10 burger chain post yesterday and couldn’t contain herself. Some are outraged at the picture. If they only knew about the picture of her I have. She’s eating a burger…and beating a puppy with a cupcake tin. That’s messed up Paula.

That's messed up.

 

Top 10 Best Burger Chains

Burgers are an essential food for for any fatty or aspiring fatty. These the Fatty Lane top 10 picks for burger chains in America.

10. Red Robin

Why it’s awesome: They have an amazing variety of burgers on their menu. From the A.1 Peppercorn Burger to the Whiskey River BBQ burger, you can’t really make a wrong decision. Not to mention those crispy onion straws are great!

Locations: Throughout the country

Fatty Lane order: The Bleu Ribbon Burger with bottomless steak fries and a freckled lemonade.

9. Fat Burger

Why it’s awesome: It’s a simple old fashion burger joint. They serve up burgers, fries and shakes. They have big fat deals for little skinny wallets.

Locations: AZ,CA,FL,GA,MD, NE,NV,NJ,WA

Fatty Lane order: The Triple King 24oz bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg, Oreo milkshake and an order of chili-cheese fat fries.

8. Smashburger

Why it’s awesome: Their menu is different depending on where you live. They use ingredients that give the burgers a local flare. They also have a mean hot dog.

Locations:AZ,CA,CO,FL,GA,ID,IL,IA,KS,KY, MI, MN,MO,NE,NV,NJ,NY, NC, ND,OH,OK,TN,TX,UT

Fatty Lane order: All American Burger with cheese and an order of chili cheese fries with extra jalapenos.

7. Boardwalk Burgers

Why it’s awesome: They started as a french fry restaurant and added burgers in 2007. They cook their fries in peanut oil multiple times to perfection.

Locations:AL,CA,DE,FL,GA,MD,MI,NJ,PA,VA

Fatty Lane order: Double cheeseburger with bacon and an order of fries. Make sure to save room for the funnel cake fries for dessert.

6.Mooyah

Why it’s awesome: Classic, simple, American burgers. Their buns are custom baked, the fries are cut in house every day and the beef is never frozen.

Locations:CA,CT,TN,TX. Coming soon to AL and KS.

Fatty Lane order: Mooyah Burger with mooyah sauce, pickles, ketchup and mustard with fries and a vanilla milk shake.

5. The Counter Burger

Why it’s awesome: You can create 312,120 different burger combinations not to mention they have a pretty awesome beer selection.

Locations:CA,CT,FL,GA,HI,IL,NY,TX,VA,WA

Fatty Lane order: 1 pound burger with jalapeno jack cheese, fried onion strings, and chipotle aioli. Add Parmesan rosemary fries and whatever Allagash beer they have.

4. Fuddruckers 

Why it’s awesome: Fresh products. The buns are baked in house every day. They offer “exotic” game burgers such as buffalo, elk and wild boar.

Locations: Throughout the Country

Fatty Lane order: Buffalo burger inferno style with jalapenos, caramelized onions and pepper jack cheese with seasoned wedge fries.

3. 5 Guys Burgers and Fries

Why it’s awesome: Simple classic burgers and quality ingredients. They cook their fries in peanut oil which adds a nice extra flavor. You build your own burger. They don’t serve a veggie burger which is pretty awesome. They also serve peanuts in bulk.

Locations:Throughout the country

Fatty Lane order:  Bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, pickles, grilled onion, mustard and ketchup with cajun style fries.

2. Elevation Burger

Why it’s awesome: They use free range grass-fed beef that is ground on premise. Grass-fed makes it taste so much better…and it’s better for the environment. Win-win.

Locations:CA,FL,MD,ME,NJ,NY,PA,TX,VA

Fatty Lane order: Vertigo burger with 4 patties. Add elevation sauce, balsalmic mustard and caramelized onions.

1. In-n-Out

Why it’s awesome: It’s scientifically proven In-n-out has the best burgers ever. They have great quality ingredients. It’s extremely consistent and tastes great every time you go. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s based out of California and the sunshine adds the extra deliciousness.

Locations:AZ,CA,NV,TX,UT

Fatty Lane order: 4×4 animal stye with animal style fries.