What Fat People Like: Cheesecake Factory

The Cheesecake Factory represents all things fat. They have fat portions, put them in fat to-go bags, and fat people love to eat there. On their skinnylicious menu, they boast their healthy entrees under 590 calories. It has been named the worst family restaurant in America in terms of healthy eating. Most entrees and even appetizers are well over 1000 calories. Even the average sandwich is 1400 calories, and they don’t care, and fat people don’t care either.

Cheesecake Factory is on a mission to serve us awesomely delicious food. If you want a little tiny salad, don’t go to cheesecake factory, but don’t complain about their 1220 calorie White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut Cheesecake…because it’s every fat person’s dream.

What Fat People Like: Pistol Grip Toe-Nail Clippers

At some point in their life, every person has thought to themselves, “I really wish i could cut my toe-nails and shoot a gun at the same time.” Well guess what!? With the Ableware Pistol Grip Remote Toe Nail Clipper you can!!

The pistol grip toe-nail clippers will give you all the thrills of shooting a gun while you trim those nasty toe-nails! Never worry about that bad lower back pain that comes with clipping toe-nails ever again!

For only $72.99, you can buy the Pistol Grip Toe-Nail Clippers for yourself, and all of your SSBBW friends who forgot they even had toes.

What Fat People Like: Remote Control Beverage Coolers

Nothing’s worse than sitting on the couch and running out of something to drink. You have stand up and WALK all the way to the kitchen to get a beverage. Unless you have a mobility scooter, this could be the hardest part of your day…Until now!!!

Hammacher Schlemmer (sounds serious) has a product out that solves all your beverage problems. It’s called the Remote Controlled Rolling Beverage Cooler, and it sells for around $70. That’s a small price to pay for laziness. It delivers beverages right to your lap as long as you are within 40 feet of the device with the remote. It holds up to 12 beverages and keeps them cool for hours! The only problem is you still have to bend over to pick the drink up…unless of course you have an all purpose reacher.

What Fat People Like: Angle Shots

The internet is the coolest thing ever. You can pretend to be anything you want. You can be an expert on any subject and proceed to tear people apart with comments on Youtube videos. It’s pretty awesome, you can win an argument without any knowledge at all. Wikipedia for life.

One way to take advantage of false self representation is through angle shots. Fat People love angle shots. These first became popular on Myspace back when cool kids people actually went on the site. It was the ultimate way to hide any flaw  you had. Angle shots aren’t for SSBBW’s because they’re too proud of their bodies. Angle Shots are for FGPNTBF (Fat Girls Pretending Not to be Fat).

Angle Shots are the ultimate tool of deception. They get rid of extra chins,push boobs together, and even make entire bodies disappear. Hide behind that computer screen, you don’t have to meet anyone in real life.You can chat or message guys and never come out from behind the computer screen. Angle Shots are a gift from angels. (lame)

Fatty Lane Guide: Make Big Fat Money


Do you want to make big fat money NOW?!?!?! Do you want to make millions doing absolutely nothing!? Do you hate your job and want to be your own boss?!?! YOU CAN DO IT! Well maybe not, but you can make some big fat money off of big fat people. Here are some ways to “help” people with their fat problems and make you a nice chunk of change in the process. The secret formula to make you billions is in my e-book! Only 4 easy payments of $49.95. Just kidding, it’s at the bottom of this post

Open a Restaurant that Caters to Fat People

The Heart Attack Grill is a perfect example. Quadruple Bypass burgers, Fries cooked in pure lard, butterfat milk shakes, beer, cigarettes. Need I say more? If you eat there enough and manage to get your weight over 350 pounds, you eat for free. Maybe you can have a scooter drive thru? Maybe you can deep fry everything. Maybe you can offer the “Susanne Eman Diet Challenge”- Eat 12 tacos, 2 litres of soda, 8 scoops of ice cream and pan of brownies and get your picture on the SSBBW wall of fame.

Start a Supplement Company

Americans spend $40 milion a year on weight loss programs and supplements every year. Who cares if your product doesn’t work as long as your making the big bucks. We aren’t here for an ethics seminar, just some moolah. Make ridiculous claims. Promise the impossible. Offer 100% money back guarantee with fine print saying “we make no guarantee on our guarantee.”

Start a Personal Hygiene Company

Pictured above is the “Bottom Buddy”. It helps people clean their bottoms. You can create your own product. Maybe the “Butt Buddy” or the “Ass-Blaster” or the “wiener-cleaner” will be your million dollar idea. Maybe you can create a product that lets you shower without leaving the bed. Anything that makes life easier for a large person can bring in a large paycheck.

Start a Mobility Scooter Company

The Donna Simpson Model

As people get lazier and lazier, they’ll look for ways to make their life easier. Mobility scooters are a growing market. Be creative. Make a green, eco-friendly scooter that runs on natural gas provided by the rider. Make a built in refrigerator or toilet. The more features that promote laziness, the better. And remember the bigger the scooter, the bigger the profit.

Start an Over-sized Coffin Company

In the United States, over 950 Billion people die every minute due to obesity related causes. To put this number in perspective, Sea Turtles kill 0 people every year. This makes you realize how dangerous obesity is. And where there’s danger, there’s potential profit. With people getting bigger and bigger, Coffins need to get bigger and bigger. This will make your wallet bigger and bigger.

THE BILLIONAIRE SECRET

Becoming a billionaire isn’t easy, Here’s how to do it. Start a fat restaurant. When your customers are fat enough, sell them supplements from your fat-loss supplement line. When those don’t work, they’ll gain more weight and need help with the smallest of tasks like using the toilet. After a few months pass, they’ll need to buy your specialized mobility scooter with the built in toilet. When health problems catch up with them, you’ll be there to help with funeral arrangements. With this business model, you make life and death easier, more comfortable and more enjoyable. Helping people, is what making money is all about.

What Fat People Like: Motorized Scooters

The motorized scooter, or mobility scooter, might be the best invention for overweight people since the value meal. Walking is one of the biggest inconveniences for overweight people. Walking is often hard and pointless. The only time it’s necessary for a fat person to walk is if there’s a reward involved.

Walking to the kitchen= Food as reward

Walking to the bedroom=  sleep as reward

Walking to the bathroom= not shitting pants as reward

The motorized scooter might replace the need to walk anywhere. You see them at the grocery store, the zoo, fast food drive thru’s, and on the side of highways. There’s even a basket on the front which eliminates the need to carry anything. It’s the ultimate fatty-tool. The overweight are doing the elderly a big favor, they’re helping them get more exercise. When an elderly person gets to the grocery store and all the mobility scooters are being used by fat lazy people, they walk and carry their own basket. This helps keep them young and vibrant. Now that’s respecting your elders.

What Fat People like: Buffets

Buffets are considered the optimal food group for the fat and obese. They can pile their plates with sweet, salty, and fatty foods. They can make as many trips as they want and eat until their heart’s content…or until their heart fails, whichever comes first.

Fatties generally prefer cheap buffets like Old Country Buffet and Chinese food buffets over the more gourmet buffets like the buffets in Las Vegas. However, in Las Vegas they can eat at a buffet for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This is known as the holy trinity . The religious fat believe the holy trinity is served every day in fat heaven. In the book of Farley 2:16, it states “those who putteth food in thou mouth in excess, shalt reap the rewards of the holy trinity for all of eternity.”

The only downside to the buffet is the fatty must plate his own food. It takes so much work to stand up and walk over to the buffet line. Not to mention, they have to carry their own plate all the way back to the table. When a buffet opens with food displays that are brought to the table, the fatty’s ultimate dream will be fulfilled.

NEXT TIME ON WHAT FAT PEOPLE LIKE: Motorized Scooters