I Really Need Your Help!!

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news first: Proctor and Gamble was originally going to sell Pringles to Diamond Foods for $1.5 billion, but has decided to back out of the deal. The article states Proctor and Gamble is now searching for a new buyer! This is where I need your help! I want to purchase Pringles for Fatty Lane! The problem is I’m about $1.4999999999999 billion dollars short. I’m trying to come with some ideas to raise the money. I’m pretty sure a bake sale would only bring in about the half the money needed to make the purchase. If only I could come up with a few more ideas. I would create the best Pringles flavors EVER!

Taco Bell…What the Hell?

Let me start by stating the obvious. I love Taco Bell. There is no better food when you’re drunk and there’s no better food when you’re hungover. In fact, even when you aren’t drunk Taco Bell is so salty and delicious that it can induce its own Taco Bell hangover.

We've all been there.

Last year Taco Bell took to shot to the chin when a lawsuit was filed against them saying they didn’t use real meat and instead only used a 35% meat mixture. Taco bell saw sales drop 5 percent in the second quarter and 2 percent in the third quarter. The lawsuit was quickly thrown out and Taco Bell tried desperately to defend its image by saying their beef was 88% beef and 12% “signature ingredients”, equaling 100% deliciousness.

First of all, I don’t really care if T-Bell (credit to my brother for the awesome slang) is 1% meat and 99% “signature ingredients.” If you’re going to T-Bell for the quality, you should reevaluate the ability to use your brain properly. It would be one thing if Morton’s Steakhouse or Whole Foods wasn’t selling real beef, this is Taco Bell people!

The point of Taco Bell is to enjoy and appreciate the fine delicate flavors of nacho cheese sauce and chalupa shells. It’s about sitting in the drive-thru at 1 am because nothing else is open. It’s about Taco Bell burps, which all taste the same regardless of what your eat.

So, T-Bell was trying to revamp its image after the whole lawsuit fiasco and came out with the Doritos Taco Shell…

Well played Taco Bell. Did anyone complain the Doritos “secret ingredients”?

No. Because no one cared and no one should care. The point of Taco Bell isn’t for health, it’s for indulgence. If health and fresh ingredients are your concern, you should probably stay away from fast food in general. If you want to exercise your right to gluttony, T-Bell is the place to be.

With the start of the new year Taco Bell introduced to new concepts to the menu. The first I back fully, the second made me say “what the hell Taco Bell?”

The successful introduction was First Meal, which launches this week and will be available in 750 stores.

The menu will include breakfast burritos, hash browns, Seattle’s Best coffee and Cinnabon Delights.

Items will cost between $.99 and $2.79. Well played Taco Bell. I can’t wait for breakfast nachos and quesadillas to be added to the menu.

The other new menu addition is the Cantina Bell Menu. Apparently T-Bell is trying to get their Chipotle on. They will be offering “fresh food” and include black beans, cilantro rice and grilled corn salsa. No word on what percentage of the corn is actually made of corn. Their “burrito bowl” will be cheaper than Chipotle’s.

ooooo fresh!

This is the worst addition to the Taco Bell menu since the Fresca menu. I really do hope these moves pay off for Taco Bell and they make boatloads of money. That way they can bring back the chili cheese burrito to all stores and maybe even work out a deal with Pringles! Mmm…dare to dream.

Pringles Nachos anyone?

 

Reuse Your Old Pringles Can

Everything about Pringles is awesome. They taste great, the can looks like it’s made for tennis balls, and the guy on the front has a sweet mustache. After you finish your can of Pringles, don’t just suck the crumbs down and throw out the can, put it to good use. Here are a few awesome ways to re-use an old Pringles can…or you can always send it to this guy.

Pringles Bong

Check out the instructions here. Obviously this is to smoke flavored tobacco, because marijuana is illegal mmkay.

Soap Mold

Anyone who has seen fight club knows you can use fat to make soap. This makes a Pringles can a great way to  mold it.

Wi-fi Antenna Extender

Here’s how you do it

Pringles Phone

Tie a string to a can of Pringles and talk to your neighbors through your bedroom window

Pringles Strip Light

Pretty awesome for home photography. Here is how.

Pringles Ipod Dock

Build your own. Listen to all your favorite fat songs.

Pringles Rocket

Find out how here. Don’t try this at home unless you are stupid…actually I don’t care do whatever you want.

Put Your Cat in it

Unless it’s too fat to fit.

Big Fat Potheads?

There’s nothing like a good case of the munchies. Many people know, love, and follow the routine: get high, eat, repeat. A new study that has been released shows some big fat results. Stoners are less likely to be obese than their non-smoking counterparts. The study was done by Dr. Yann Le Strat, a psychiatrist at France’s Louis-Mourier Hospital. He looked at data from two studies of U.S. adults from the early 2000s and documented some differences between those who smoked marijuana and those who didn’t. In each of the two studies, pot smokers had relatively low rates of obesity: 14.3 and 17.2 percent. American adults who didn’t puff the magic dragon had obesity rates of 22 and 25.3 percent.

The major flaw in this study is that the researcher doesn’t take into account that obese people don’t need to smoke pot. Let’s compare a high person to a fat person.

Typical Day for a Stoner                                              

1.Wake up

2.Smoke pot

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Smoke pot

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Smoke pot

10. Go to bed

Typical Day for a Fat Ass

1. Wake up

2. Take a shit

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Take a shit

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Google SSBBW porn (and probably get brought to this site)

10. Go to bed

So you see, the reason why obese people are less likely to smoke weed is they don’t need drugs to make them sit around on their asses, eat and do nothing all day. To a fat person, this all comes quite naturally. However, if you are fat and are looking for the most cliche way to get high, make a pringles bong.

Top 10 Deep Fried Fair Foods

The Fair is the ultimate gathering place for the fat, the obese, SSBBW’s, the weird and everything in between. It’s a mecca of rides, games and overpriced food. Every Summer, the fair puts anything it can think of into a deep fryer and serves it up to hungry fairgoers all over the country. Nothing says “Fuck you I’m an American” like eating a ball of fried butter washed down with some fried coke. The newcomer this year to the deep frying circuit was the deep fried Kool-aid. Below is a list of 10 must try deep fried foods.

10. Deep fried Cheesecake

9. Deep fried Twinkie 

8. Deep fried Oreo

7. Deep fried Bacon

6. Deep fried Mac and Cheese

5. Deep fried Butter

4. Deep fried cupcake

3. Deep fried Coca Cola

2. Deep Fried Krispy Kreme Burger

1. Australian Battered deep fried potatoes

 

 

Hopefully next year some one can figure out how to re-deep fry Pringles.

 

 

Top 6 fat mustaches

6. Jack Black

Mustache style: The Zorro

What this mustache says: I’m daring, artistic, and possibly insane.

5. Mike Ditka

Mustache Style: The Magnum

What this mustache says: “Fuck you Tom Sellck, this is called the Ditka.”

4. Zach Galifianakis

Mustache style: The John Wilkes Booth

What this mustache says: You can’t quite grow a Lincoln Beard.

3. Ron Jeremy

Mustache Style: The Whispy Stalin

what this mustache says: 8==================D

2. Rod Beck

Mustache Style: The Fu Manchu

What this mustache says: Combined with the mullet, it says I represent the South.

1. The Pringles Guy

Mustache Style: The Dupond

What this mustache says: I’m thin crispy and delicious. And I won’t get your hands greasy!

Don’t judge me!

A new study published this week on overweight women confirms that women may STILL feel stigmatized about their weight even if their family and friends don’t judge them negatively. The findings showed the mass media marketing machine  have more influence on how women feel about their weight…I smell big fat excuses!

This brings up the question, should a loved one tell someone they love they’re overweight? Or should they just let their health problems and weight spiral out of control. Is this the best kind of love? If my friend was a heroin addict would i tell him he has a problem or will that make him feel insecure and stigmatized?

It seems it’s worse to hurt someone’s feelings than let them destroy their health. I know, I know, “but it’s their bodies!” That is FINE WITH ME! I don’t care, just let me have my fat bashing media!

 

The article concluded

“Fat is understood culturally to represent profound personal failing and the attendant moral messages attached to it include laziness, lack of self-control and being undesirable or even repulsive.”

Hey, You said it not me. The real problem may be pringles addiction, but that’s a story for another day.

Time Spent Eating Pringles

Big Fat “Psychology”

As St. Jerome once stated “a fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.”

I get it now. With all the fat diluting their brains, fat people can only come up with excuses for not doing anything about it. These excuses usually include:

 

– It’s hard

-I have a thyroid problem

-I can’t exercise

-I cant just eat 3 cans of Pringles

-It’s genetics

 

In a recent artice in the Tennessean entitled OBESITY EPIDEMIC (gasp!), The psychology of obesity is discussed. The author writes about a poor soul who sees endless holes at the bottom of potato chip bags.

Joel Meriwether goes on to state that the “issue is not caring enough about myself to have the willpower.” Joel can’t stop eating potato chips because they taste great, he can’t stop eating them because…

“Scientists have discovered that depression and obesity feed on each other in a cycle that is difficult to break, no matter which comes first. Obese people have a 55 percent increased risk of developing depression, and depressed people have a 58 percent greater likelihood of becoming obese, according to an article published last year in the Archives of General Psychiatry. But obesity researchers do not fully understand the triggers in the mind that cause people to overeat.”

It really surprises me obesity is associated with depression. Generally obese people have no other health problems associated with their condition. Joel had gastric bypass and lost 300 pounds. After the band slowly started to increase in size, he put 100 pounds back on. He didn’t even realize he was eating more! This is where we venture into big fat excuse land. Joel goes on to give many reasons as to why it’s so “hard” not to eat anything you want and sit around and do nothing all day.

-Shame

-Fear of change

-Feels alone

-Never had a romantic relationship

-Society is based on couples and not singles (zuh??)

-Arthritic knees

-Won’t exercise in the YMCA pool (which limits impact on his arthritic knees) because he doesnt’ want to be seen in a swimsuit

-He likes pizza. He always assumed it was “the perfect food group because it had dairy, it had vegetable, it had protein and it had bread.”

– He wants more surgery but his insurance won’t cover it

-He has a gastric pocket in his stomach, which allows his stomach to grow “allowing” him to gradually add weight

Excuse after excuse after excuse. If the doctor told me I would die if i spent too much time inside, I wouldn’t say “but i don’t really like to go in the sun…”

You wont exercise because you are embarrassed and you are embarrassed in part, because you never exercised. Rather than do something about my problem, I’ll just sit here…

"I thought that pizza was healthy..."

Big Fat Fiction

The Centers for disease control and prevention post all kinds of information on how to live a “healthy” lifestyle. They have some scary numbers on obesity in the United states. Highlights include:

– Only about 25% of U.S adults eat the recommended five or more servings of fruits or vegetables each day.

– More than 50% of American Adults do not get the recommended amount of physical activity to provide health benefits.

-Direct health costs attribute to obesity have been estimated at $52  billion in 1995 and $75 billion in 2003.

– Between 1980 and 2000, obesity rates doubled among adults. About 60 million adults, or 30% of the adult population are now obese. 

The real problem lies in the untold, unconfirmed obesity research numbers.

– It is speculated 95% of obese people walk extremely slow on the sidewalk, making it near impossible to pass.

– 85 percent of all fruits and vegetables consumed by obese people came in the form of pringles. The other 15 percent from sour patch kids.

– The increase in obesity rates has seen a sharp decline in deodorant sales

– The grapefruit diet has made a major comeback. Extremely popular with the obese, they can eat anything except grapefruit.