Fatty Lane Guide: Mastering Valentine’s Day

Everyone’s favorite Hallmark holiday is coming up! If you have a special fatty out there, you’ve come to the right place! If you don’t, there is still time to find one! Finding the perfect gift is always a challenge but here are some ideas.

Sexy Lingerie:

Girls love home-made gifts and sexy gifts. Why not give her both? Make her some beef jerky underwear.


Chocolate:

All girls love chocolate. That’s an easy one. Fat girls love all food so you need to step up your game. Nothing says “I love you” like some smoked meat. Try these Bacon Chocolate Truffles.

Jewelery:

Diamonds are the way to any girl’s heart. Bacon is the way to any fatty’s stomach. Let her know that any time is bacon time with a bacon watch.

Take her out for a nice dinner:

Duh! If she’s fat she likes food!

If these ideas don’t work for you, just browse around Fatty Lane! You can learn a fat song to sing her or bake her some cupcakes. Or just get her a card…

 

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Fatty Lane Guide: The 2012 Ultimate Super Bowl Spread

Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest day for U.S food consumption after Thanksgiving Day. It’s also the eighth most popular day to drink beer. All the summer holidays rank ahead of Super Bowl Sunday for good reason. How much do we eat and drink on Super Bowl Sunday?

-About 26 million avocados (“That’s a lot of guacamole!” Name that quote)

– About 28 million pounds of potato chips

– About 90 million pounds of chicken wings (approx. 500 million wings) Some say it’s even more.

-About 8 million pounds of popcorn

– About 50 million cases of beer (Maybe more this year depending on how much Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams drink)

– Pizza Hut will sell 2 million pizzas ( 1.3 million more than the average day). Dominoes will deliver 1.2 million

– Cracker sales increase 70%

-Frozen shrimp sales increase 30%

-6 % of Americans will call out sick on Monday

– It’s the second most popular day for diarrhea after National Taco Bell Day

Just make sure you beat the crowd to the bathroom and leave your couch a few seconds before half time. So what Does the ultimate Super Bowl Spread look like? It’s a fine science crafting the perfect menu. It takes creativity and respect of traditions. I don’t care if everyone orders pizza, you need it on your menu. You wouldn’t leave turkey off your Thanksgiving menu just because everyone else serves it would you? You also need to use your noggin to think creatively and serve some original foods. Below I present you with the 2012 Ultimate Super Bowl spread.

 

 

It’s divided into 4 categories:

1. The classics

2.Beverages

3.Chips and dips

4. Finger foods

5. Desserts

 

The Classics:

1. Pizza

2. Wings

It’s as simple as that. Order from your favorite pizza place or make your own.

Beverages:

1. Crappy American beer like Bud Light

2. A craft beer like Dogfish Head

3. Soda

The perfect trio. Water optional.

Chips and Dips:

1. Tostitos Black Bean and garlic chips

2. Krinkle Cut Kettle Chips

3. Guacamole

4. Salsa

5. Queso Dip

6. French Onion Dip

Buy nice chips!! They make everything better. The black bean and garlic chips are tasty and extra crunchy. Same goes for the Kettle Chips. 4 different dips gives plenty of options for anyone.

Finger Foods:

1. Bacon wrapped dates

2.Bacon deviled eggs

3.Bacon spinach artichoke crostini’s

4.Man Log aka Bacon wrapped sausage and cheese

Bacon makes everything better. Don’t worry about pleasing vegetarian guests. In fact if you have vegetarian friends, kindly take the first right and exit Fatty Lane.

Desserts:

1. Cookies

2. Cupcakes

It’s all about food you can hold and eat with your hands. Try the Fatty Lane 7 layer cupcakes.

This is all it takes to throw the perfect Super Bowl Party…Oh, and a TV.

 

Fatty Lane Guide: Dominate Thanksgiving Trivia

When your Thanksgiving guests/family/enemies try to be the life of the party by telling everyone how healthy they are eating only white meat and not gaining weight, you need to be ready with a comeback to put them in their place. Here’s a list of some lame phrases “healthy” people like to say on Thanksgiving and how to one-up them in front of everyone with awesome trivia…because everyone knows that’s what family gatherings and holidays are REALLY about.

The Overall Meal

They Say: “the average American gains 5 pounds over the holidays.”

You say: “Well the average American consumes 2,000-4,000 calories on Thanksgiving Day. Have fun being less than average when I’m achieving Greatness.”

Turkey

They Say: “You know the white meat has the least amount of fat and is the healthiest for you, I choose to eat that.”

You say: “Did you know the fattest turkey ever was 86 pounds? That’s the size of a large dog. And turkeys have poor night vision.”

Mashed Potatoes

They say: “You know those potatoes will be much healthier without heavy cream”

You say:”You know there are about 100 varieties of edible potatoes. Pass the cream…and the gravy.”

Pie

They say: “If you use a natural walnut crust, It’s way healthier.”

You say: “The Biggest Pumpkin Pie ever was 2020 Pounds. Pass the whipped cream.”

Cranberries

They say: “Cranberries are full of antioxidants, I’ll take extra!”

You say: “Native Americans pounded cranberries into a paste mixed with dried meat and called it pemmican…and it wasn’t white meat.”

Stuffing

They say ” Are those multi-grain bread crumbs?”

You say: “Did you know that stuffing dates back to the Roman Empire, where the ancient cookbook “Apicius de re Coquinaria” had recipes that called for stuffed chicken, rabbit and pork.”

Gravy

They Say: “I’ll pass on the gravy, it’s not good for you.”

You Say: “You are an idiot.”

Fatty Lane Guide: The Food Pyramid…Occupy Domino’s

Breaking News! Pizza is a vegetable! We need to eat more vegetables in order to to be healthy. If A+B=C, then we need to eat more Pizza. Congress blocked a new rule keeping pizza a vegetable so school children can now get 2 healthy servings of  french fries and pizza as their veggies during school lunches. There’s only one way to get congress to rethink their decision. We need a movement: Occupy Domino’s.

Anyways…Since Congress says pizza is a vegetable, I think we need to overhaul our entire food pyramid. This will keep school children everywhere happy.Here I present to you, The Fatty Lane food pyramid.

Fatty Lane Guide: Become the World’s Heaviest SSBBW

Pauline Potter sits proud perched on her chair. It took years of not working hard to get to where she is today. At 47, she is the fattest woman in the world and has two other SSBBW’s hot on her trail. Susanne Eman and Donna Simpson are the next closest in weight and hope to catch her soon. If this excites you, ask yourself this question, why can’t YOU be the next fattest woman in the world? Guess what? You can! If you follow these 6 easy steps below, you too can be the fattest woman in the world.

Step 1: Eat, Eat, Eat

Note: Don't eat the baby

Susanne Eman eats more than 20,000 calories per day. If you want to catch up in the great SSBBW race, You need to consume at least 25,000 calories per day. Eat 7-10 meals per day. Deep fry everything. Eat fast food. Wake up in the middle of the night to eat. To become the fat, you have to think like the fat.

Step 2: Become a couch potato

If you really want to become an SSBBW, stop doing anything other than eating,sleeping and eating some more. Get the premium Netflix account and know your Chinese food delivery man’s cell phone number. Sit around and wait for the weight.

Step 3: Tell everyone how great you feel

No matter how terrible your body feels, you must tell everyone around you how much healthier and better you feel since gaining weight. This is what all the pro’s do. They feel so much better. They feel healthier. Even if you feel like complete garbage, tell everyone how great it feels to be gaining weight.

Step 4: Get a motorized scooter

Our friend Donna Simpson

So you’ve been eating, sitting around, and telling everyone how great you feel? Now’s  the time to really get immobile. Get a motorized scooter so you never have to leave your growing ass. Drive it from the couch to the bathroom. Take it to the grocery store. This is your new best friend for weight gain.

Step 5: Tell everyone you’re a sex goddess

All SSBBW’s do this. It doesn’t matter that you can’t tie your own shoes or wipe your own ass, you need to tell everyone you have sex all the time and men are constantly after you. Pauline Potter claims she is a “sex goddess” and “has fantastic sex every day. Everyone knows this is complete bullshit, but it’s a necessary part of the process. Just like baseball players deny they took steroids, or Bill Clinton denied his affair with Monica Lewinsky, SSBBW’s love to lie about their sex lives.

Step 6: Be Patient

Luckily there’s a fine line being patient and being lazy. Just sit around, relax, open a couple cans of Pringles and watch your ass grow.