The Bacon Tampon

There are already so many uses for bacon. The Guardian recently reported that shoving bacon up your nose can stop a nosebleed. Just another reason bacon is awesome. Doctors at Detroit Medical Center treated a child with a prolonged nosebleed by using a “nasal tampon” made out of cured salted pork. The method was used two times in a 24 hour period (pun!) to stop the bleeding.

Apparently using salted pork to stop nose bleeds is an old folk lure from the 1800’s. They stopped using this treatment because of parasites and bacteria. The University of Minnesota says the reason the pork works is that the salt and the cold temperature constrict blood vessels and the fat stimulates the clotting system.

I smell (pun!) a business opportunity here! Look for Fatty Lane brand bacon band-aids on your local store shelves soon.



Saving You from the Obesity Monster

A new study has been published on soda consumption showing that Americans consumed 13.8 billion gallons of “sugary beverages” in 2009. This equates to about 45 gallons. This doesn’t include diet soda either. The study found that if we increased the tax on soda by a penny-per-ounce, this could lower the number of new cases of diabetes by 2.6 percent and prevent 95,000 episodes of hear disease, 8,000 strokes and 26,000 premature death. In addition, it would save an estimated $17 billion in medical costs over the next 10 years. Ahh, the beauty of observation.

According to, Hispanic children saw 49% more ads for sugary soda and black children and teens saw 80-90% more ads for sugary drinks compared to whites. This isn’t really surprising considering black children watch A LOT more television than white children do.

We’re a society that loves inflated statistics and scare-tatic advertising…

Experts often point to cigarette taxes lowering smoking rates. Keep in mind, at the same time these taxes were imposed, tons of money was pumped into anti-smoking campaigns. It isn’t fair to compare smoking to drinking soda because fewer than 20% of Americans smoke, but almost all of them drink soda occasionally. If you don’t smoke, you don’t smoke. If you don’t drink soda, chances are you’ll still have one occasionally, whether it be at a party, sporting event or restaurant.

Some states already have soda taxes, How are those working out for them? Let’s look at the top 5 and bottom 5 states in terms of obesity and their soda taxes.

Top 5 States with the Highest Obesity Rates:

1.Mississippi- 34.4% obese,

Soda Tax: 8%

2.Alabama- 32.3% Obese,

Soda Tax: 4%

3.West Virginia- 32.2% Obese

Soda tax: 6%

4.Tennessee- 31.9% Obese,

Soda tax: 5.5%

5.Louisiana- 31.6% Obese

Soda tax: none


Top 5 States with the Lowest Obesity Rates:

1.Colorado- 19.8

Soda tax: none

2.Washington DC- 21.7%

Soda tax: none

3.Connecticut- 21.8%

Soda tax: 6%

4.Massachusetts- 22.3

Soda tax: none

5.Hawaii- 23.1%

Soda tax: 4%

The state with the highest obesity rate has the highest soda tax while 3 of the 5 “healthiest” states have no soda tax. Maybe the answer is to eliminate soda tax! Hey, look at that, I’ve just completed an awesome observational study!!! I’ll expect my check in the mail next week for saving this country from the obesity monster…

I will get you if you drink soda!


Well That Explains Why Everyone is So Stupid

As I mentioned in a previous post, Americans have increased there trans fat consumption a ton since the 1950s when the stuff was rarely used. This was back when people still cooked dinner every night and would choose butter or animal fat over hydrogenated vegetable oils.

As the years passed, people consumed more trans fats and got fatter. The number of stupid people in the world seems to be growing at an alarming rate as well. Maybe there’s a connection?

Researchers have determined that people with a diet high in trans fat are more likely to experience brain shrinkage associated with Alzheimer’s disease than people who consume less trans fat. So keep eating those cookies, cakes and pies! Watch your gut grow and your brain shrink! Don’t worry, you probably won’t live long enough to experience the brain shrinkage.


To be Fit or be Fat, That is the Question

Are you fat and fit? Prepare to live a nice long life. In an 11 year study of more than 14,000 American men, researchers found those who stayed “fit” lowered their risk of dying by up to 30% compared with those who stopped being “fit”.

Men who improved their fitness levels lowered their risk by up to 44%. For every unit improvement in fitness, there was a 15% decrease in death from any cause and a 19% decrease in dying from heart-related episodes. All these changes happened regardless of how much weight men gained or lost.

I smell something fishy. And i think the fish is fried.

First off the study only looked at men who were close to normal weight or only slightly overweight. What about someone who is obese? Are they healthy if they stay fit? First off, what does “fit” mean?

“Fit” used as as intransitive verb is defined as being the proper size and shape. Fitness is defined as the state of being fit. Using logic, defined as using your noggin to think and reason, how can someone possibly be fat and fit?

"We're both fit!"

The study also didn’t take diet into consideration. Slamming down twinkies for breakfast and hitting the elliptical for an hour can make you live longer? As long as you are “fit” I suppose. This seems to be an observational study with specific results in mind before the study even began.


Why We’re Getting Fatter

Please stop trying to prove them right.


1950- 33% of Americans overweight. 10% Obese

1970- 47% of Americans overweight. 15% Obese

Today-65% of Americans overweight. 30% Obese

Those are some pretty big changes over 60 years. Health “experts” say we’re getting fatter because of too much fat in our diets and not enough heart healthy “whole grains.” Let’s break it down. (See every year here)

So our meat, egg and nut consumption has increased 4.1% since 1970

Our fruit consumption has increased 22%

Our dairy consumption has decreased 3.7%

Our vegetable consumption has decreased 2.4 percent

Our added sugar consumption has increased 14%

Our added fat consumption has increased 56.3%

Our grain consumption has increased 44.6%

Problem solved. It’s all the animal fat that’s making us fatter. Or is it? Grain consumption increased 44.6% and added sugar increased 14%. Let’s look a little deeper into this.

The USDA puts out an agricultural fact book in 2001-2002. One of the chapters was profiling food consumption in America since the 1950’s. We’ll compare how we ate in the 1950’s to how we eat now. (Read the whole thing here)


Our whole milk consumption decreased 72.8%

Our Lower Fat milk consumption increased 427%

Full Fat Ice Cream consumption decreased 11.6

Low Fat Ice Cream and Sherbert consumption increased 120%

Added Sweeteners

Cane Sugar consumption has decreased by 32%

Corn Sweetener consumption has increased by 675%

High Fructose Corn Syrup has increased by Infinity%


Salad and cooking oils (AKA Vegetable oils and seed oils like soybean or canola oil) consumption increased 259%

Shortening (vegetable oil solid at room temperature) consumption increased 111%

Lard and Beef tallow (Pig fat and cow fat) consumption decreased 42%

Butter consumption decreased 55.5%

Margarine (butter substitute) increased by 2.4 percent


Flour consumption has increased by 16%

Corn consumption has increased by 84%

Rice Consumption has increased by 271.6%


Beef consumption has increased by 21.9%

Pork consumption has increased by 5%

Veal and Lamb consumption has decreased by 83.5%

Total “Bad Fatty Red Meat” consumption has increased by 6%

Chicken consumption has increased 222.5%

Turkey consumption has increased by 231.7%

“Healthy Lean” White meat consumption has increased 224%

Seafood consumption has increased 39.4%

Egg Consumption has decreased 33%


What have we been doing the last 60 years during which time obesity rates have increased 200%?

High Fructose Corn Syrup has increased by Infinity%

Corn Sweetener consumption has increased by 675%

Our Lower Fat milk consumption increased 427%

Vegetable oil consumption increased 259%

“Healthy Lean” White meat consumption has increased 224%

So What does the government tell us to do? They tell us in order to be healthy we need to eat lots of grains, fruits, vegetables and low-fat lean proteins. We’ve eaten more grains, more fruits, only slightly less vegetables, and more lean chicken and low-fat dairy. They tell us to eat less fat, especially animal fat. They steer us away from natural foods like butter and put heart healthy logos on smart butter and other fake processed products.

What does the government do to fix the problem? There’s a simple solution. Medicate! The FDA approves the drugs. The “medical professionals” prescribe high blood pressure medication, statins for cholesterol and diabetes drugs. The FDA chooses not to regulate the billion dollar diet and supplement industry and companies put out products without a pronounceable ingredient on the package that promise you will lose weight while you sleep when eating whatever you want. Rinse and Repeat!

Government- 1 Citizens- 0

You Big Fat Monkeys

An experimental drug called Adipotide has been helping obese monkeys lose weight. The drug cuts off blood supply to fat cells and this helps shed some lbs. Are humans next? The drug has already proven effective in mice and the monkeys lost an average of 38.7 percent of their total body fat and 27% of their abdominal fat.

The only side effects were increased urination and slight dehydration…both symptoms of mild kidney failure…no biggie. The next step is to test the drug in obese patients with prostate cancer. Obese people don’t do as well in surgery or with chemotherapy or with running marathons, so the drug may help them lose weight. Once again, our doctors are focusing hard to find a solution to the problem rather than trying to find a better way to prevent it. Maybe one day doctors will come up with a drug that lets everyone eat whatever they want and still look like a fitness model and live to be 150 years old. Darwin would be proud…


Fat Tax

Denmark has become the first Country in the world to put a tax on fat. Researchers at Denmark’s Institute of Food and Resource Economics have decided that 4% of the country’s premature deaths are due to foods high in saturated fats. Even though Saturated Fat have never ACTUALLY been proven to lead to heart disease, the Government has decided to tax products with more than 2.3% saturated fat. Be ready to shell out some dough for butter, butter will cost about 30% more with the new tax.

natural grass fed butter is killing you...

The good news is, you can still buy hydrogenated oil butter sprays and spreads without having to worry about spending all that extra money! These are obviously much better for you health as they’re natural and require no processing. Those healthy low fat cookies and candy you love will still be available without the tax as well! Government is great!

...but this is still good for you

A Fat Majority

According to the International Federation of the Red Cross, The number of obese people in the world is now greater than the number of undernourished people. There are currently about 1.5 billion obese people in the world, compared to 925 million undernourished people.

Excess nutrition now kills more people than hunger. 1.5 billion is the number of OBESE people, not just overweight. The number of overweight people compared to the starving population may be double. Granted the number of hungry people in the world is attributed to poor distribution and food inflation, it’s disturbing to think there are people eating 20,000 calories a day to become the fattest woman in the world when so many are going hungry. Maybe fat isn’t always funny…just most of the time.

Fat and Hungry? Don’t worry it isn’t your fault!

A new massive study conducted by researchers from Yale University and USC looked at 14 people and scanned their brains while they looked at pictures of food. Of the millions of the 14 participants, 9 were thin and 5 were obese. The researchers manipulated blood sugar levels, testing the subjects when the had normal and low blood sugar levels. The results may shock you.

It turns out, when the obese people were shown pictures of burgers, biscuits, pizza and Susanne Eman, they found less activity in the prefrontal cortex, which normally lessens signals to eat. As it turns out, obese people have a harder time controlling what they want to eat. When a study as large scale as this comes out, it makes you wonder if obese people have a harder time controlling their weight compared to thin people. I decided to test the theory myself. I asked one billion obese people if they liked food. The results were inconclusive.

Big Fat Potheads?

There’s nothing like a good case of the munchies. Many people know, love, and follow the routine: get high, eat, repeat. A new study that has been released shows some big fat results. Stoners are less likely to be obese than their non-smoking counterparts. The study was done by Dr. Yann Le Strat, a psychiatrist at France’s Louis-Mourier Hospital. He looked at data from two studies of U.S. adults from the early 2000s and documented some differences between those who smoked marijuana and those who didn’t. In each of the two studies, pot smokers had relatively low rates of obesity: 14.3 and 17.2 percent. American adults who didn’t puff the magic dragon had obesity rates of 22 and 25.3 percent.

The major flaw in this study is that the researcher doesn’t take into account that obese people don’t need to smoke pot. Let’s compare a high person to a fat person.

Typical Day for a Stoner                                              

1.Wake up

2.Smoke pot

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Smoke pot

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Smoke pot

10. Go to bed

Typical Day for a Fat Ass

1. Wake up

2. Take a shit

3. Eat

4. Sit on ass for a few hours and watch tv

5. Take a nap

6. Take a shit

7. Taco Bell run

8. Sit on ass for a few hours and play video games

9. Google SSBBW porn (and probably get brought to this site)

10. Go to bed

So you see, the reason why obese people are less likely to smoke weed is they don’t need drugs to make them sit around on their asses, eat and do nothing all day. To a fat person, this all comes quite naturally. However, if you are fat and are looking for the most cliche way to get high, make a pringles bong.