Top 10 Kinds of Jelly Beans

Jelly bean season is among us. Every year right before Easter, stores seem to stock up on different types of Jelly Beans. I don’t know if jelly beans are the official food of Easter but it sure seems that way. While Jelly Belly’s are absolutely delicious, it’s time to broaden your jelly bean horizons. Here are 10 alternatives that are great. Whatever you do, don’t buy those nasty store brand name jelly beans.

10. Smuckers Jelly Beans

Add some bean to the Jelly. The same Smucker’s that makes jelly also makes jelly beans.

9. Sweet Tarts Jelly Beans 

For the crowd that loves the tangy things in life.

8. Lemonhead Jelly Beans

The Lemonhead jelly beans have that same waxy texture as their normal candy.

7. Mike and Ike Jelly Beans

Let’s be honest here, Mike and Ike’s essentially are jelly beans that are a different shape.

6. Nerds Jelly Beans

Get the bumpy Nerds texture in the form of a jelly bean.

5. Hawaiian Punch Jelly Beans

The red jelly beans taste exactly like Hawaiian punch. If you want to really go nuts throw some Hawaiian Punch jelly beans into your Hawaiian Punch.

4. Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans

These are WAY better than normal Jolly Rancher’s. They should stick to jelly beans all the time.

 

3. Sour Patch Jelly Beans

I know you’re salivating just thinking about these.

2. Belly Flops

These are made by Jelly Belly but they’re way cooler. They’re the reject jelly belly’s. Some have funny shapes. Some have too much flavor. You can’t go wrong with these.

1. Starburst Jelly Beans

Hands down the best jelly bean’s I’ve ever tried. Every flavor is delicious. Skip the small bag and buy a giant one! 

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Top 10 Fattest States…And How They Got That Way

10. Michigan

Overweight: 66.8 %

Obese: 31.7%

Staple Food: Pasty

SSBBW Meal finder: B & C Party Pizza. Eat a 7 pound pizza in an hour and get $200.

Famous Fatty: “The Sheik” Ed Farhat

Fat Fact: Battle Creek MI is known as the cereal city as it produces the most cereal in the U.S.

9. Arkansas

Overweight: 67.2%

Obese: 30.9%

Staple Food: Jelly Pie

SSBBW Meal finder: Wimpy’s Burger. Eat 4 pounds of beef, 1 pound of fries and a 24oz shake and win a free shirt.

Famous Fatty: Kevin Williams

Fat Fact: Milk is the official state beverage.

8. South Carolina

Overweight: 67.4%

Obese: 32%

Staple Food: Benne Wafers

SSBBW Meal finder: Thorny’s Steakhouse. An 80 oz Steak.

Famous Fatty: Dizzy Gillespie

Fat Fact:Housed the first tea farm in the U.S.

7. Oklahoma

Overweight: 67.3 %

Obese: 31.3 %

Staple Foods: Fried Okra

SSBBW Meal finder: Route 66 Diner. A 66 oz chicken fried steak.

Famous Fatty: The crying cheerleader

Fat Fact: Okmulgee holds the record for the largest pecan pie.

6. Louisiana

Overweight: 66.4 %

Obese: 31.7 %

Staple Food: Crayfish

SSBBW Meal Deal: The Fat Cat Cafe. A 5 pound sausage.

Famous Fatty: Edward Douglass White

Fat Fact:Produces 98% of the world’s crayfish.

5. Kentucky

Overweight: 67.5 %

Obese: 31.8 %

Staple Food: Fried Chicken

SSBBW Meal Deal: Griff’s Deli. 6 pounds of potatoes, 2 1/2 pounds of chicken, bacon, cheese, onion, tomato, jalapeno, sour cream and butter.

Famous Fatty: Colonel Sanders

Fat Fact: Kaelin’s restaurant in Louisville claims to be the inventor of the cheeseburger.

4. Tennessee

Overweight: 67.8 %

Obese: 31.7%

Staple Food: The Elvis Sandwich ( Peanut butter, bacon and banana)

SSBBW Meal Deal: Sweet P’s BBQ and Soul House. A 5 pound bbq pork burrito with 1/2 pound of mac and cheese and 1/2 pound of banana pudding.

Famous Fatty: Aretha Franklin

Fat Fact: Mountain Dew was invented here.

3. West Virginia

Overweight: 67.9 %

Obese: 32.9 %

Staple Food: The pepperoni roll

SSBBW Meal Deal: The Poky Dot. 4 eggs, ham, bacon, sausage, pancakes, biscuits and sausage gravy, breakfast, potatoes, toast. All served up on a trash can lid.

Famous Fatty: Huntington, West Virginia. Thank you Jamie Oliver.

Fat Fact: The first ever food stamps were issued in West Virginia.

2. Alabama

Overweight: 70%

Obese: 33%

Staple Food: Corn Bread

SSBBW Meal Deal: Saucy Q BBQ. Eat a 2.5 pound pulled pork sandwich with a pound of coleslaw and a pint of BBQ sauce.

Famous Fatty: Charles Barkley

Fat Fact: Home of George Carver Washington who developed more than 100 uses for peanuts.

1. Mississippi

Overweight: 68.8%

Obese: 34.5%

Staple Food: Mud Pie

SSBBW Meal Deal: Over the Top. The pickle vat challenge. Eat 16 scoops of ice cream.

Famous Fatty: Oprah

Fat Fact: The first state to bottle Coca-Cola.

Top 10 Best Burger Chains

Burgers are an essential food for for any fatty or aspiring fatty. These the Fatty Lane top 10 picks for burger chains in America.

10. Red Robin

Why it’s awesome: They have an amazing variety of burgers on their menu. From the A.1 Peppercorn Burger to the Whiskey River BBQ burger, you can’t really make a wrong decision. Not to mention those crispy onion straws are great!

Locations: Throughout the country

Fatty Lane order: The Bleu Ribbon Burger with bottomless steak fries and a freckled lemonade.

9. Fat Burger

Why it’s awesome: It’s a simple old fashion burger joint. They serve up burgers, fries and shakes. They have big fat deals for little skinny wallets.

Locations: AZ,CA,FL,GA,MD, NE,NV,NJ,WA

Fatty Lane order: The Triple King 24oz bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg, Oreo milkshake and an order of chili-cheese fat fries.

8. Smashburger

Why it’s awesome: Their menu is different depending on where you live. They use ingredients that give the burgers a local flare. They also have a mean hot dog.

Locations:AZ,CA,CO,FL,GA,ID,IL,IA,KS,KY, MI, MN,MO,NE,NV,NJ,NY, NC, ND,OH,OK,TN,TX,UT

Fatty Lane order: All American Burger with cheese and an order of chili cheese fries with extra jalapenos.

7. Boardwalk Burgers

Why it’s awesome: They started as a french fry restaurant and added burgers in 2007. They cook their fries in peanut oil multiple times to perfection.

Locations:AL,CA,DE,FL,GA,MD,MI,NJ,PA,VA

Fatty Lane order: Double cheeseburger with bacon and an order of fries. Make sure to save room for the funnel cake fries for dessert.

6.Mooyah

Why it’s awesome: Classic, simple, American burgers. Their buns are custom baked, the fries are cut in house every day and the beef is never frozen.

Locations:CA,CT,TN,TX. Coming soon to AL and KS.

Fatty Lane order: Mooyah Burger with mooyah sauce, pickles, ketchup and mustard with fries and a vanilla milk shake.

5. The Counter Burger

Why it’s awesome: You can create 312,120 different burger combinations not to mention they have a pretty awesome beer selection.

Locations:CA,CT,FL,GA,HI,IL,NY,TX,VA,WA

Fatty Lane order: 1 pound burger with jalapeno jack cheese, fried onion strings, and chipotle aioli. Add Parmesan rosemary fries and whatever Allagash beer they have.

4. Fuddruckers 

Why it’s awesome: Fresh products. The buns are baked in house every day. They offer “exotic” game burgers such as buffalo, elk and wild boar.

Locations: Throughout the Country

Fatty Lane order: Buffalo burger inferno style with jalapenos, caramelized onions and pepper jack cheese with seasoned wedge fries.

3. 5 Guys Burgers and Fries

Why it’s awesome: Simple classic burgers and quality ingredients. They cook their fries in peanut oil which adds a nice extra flavor. You build your own burger. They don’t serve a veggie burger which is pretty awesome. They also serve peanuts in bulk.

Locations:Throughout the country

Fatty Lane order:  Bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, pickles, grilled onion, mustard and ketchup with cajun style fries.

2. Elevation Burger

Why it’s awesome: They use free range grass-fed beef that is ground on premise. Grass-fed makes it taste so much better…and it’s better for the environment. Win-win.

Locations:CA,FL,MD,ME,NJ,NY,PA,TX,VA

Fatty Lane order: Vertigo burger with 4 patties. Add elevation sauce, balsalmic mustard and caramelized onions.

1. In-n-Out

Why it’s awesome: It’s scientifically proven In-n-out has the best burgers ever. They have great quality ingredients. It’s extremely consistent and tastes great every time you go. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s based out of California and the sunshine adds the extra deliciousness.

Locations:AZ,CA,NV,TX,UT

Fatty Lane order: 4×4 animal stye with animal style fries.

The 10 Different Types of Fat People

First Off, Happy New Year! 2011 was cool, 2012 will be better blah blah blah. Down to business. About 65% of Americans are fat. What most people don’t realize is there isn’t one type of fat person. There are 10 types of fat people, maybe even more! If you go out fatty spotting or observing or hunting, here are some types of fat people you might run into, and where.

The Clueless Fatty

This fatty represents the typical American. Americans gain an average of .4 to 1.8 pounds per year their entire adult lives. This gradual weight gain makes it harder for people to notice they’re fat. They run the rat race of life buying bigger size pants every year and eating fast food for lunch every day. They feel average and see everyone else around them as average too.

Where to spot them: Everywhere you look

The Skinny Fatty

The most despicable type of fatty…usually because they’re vegetarian or vegan and I hate vegetarians and vegans. They don’t eat any animal products and instead munch on “healthy” soy nuggets. Their muscles wither away and they’re left looking like a deflated balloon. They have a high body fat percentage just like “regular” fat people but think they’re healthy because they don’t eat animal products.

Where to spot them: Organic food stores, ordering skinny soy latte’s at shops, PETA rallies.

The Fat Denial Fatty

They aren’t fat, they’re curvy. The fat denial fatty thinks she’s hot and hates skinny bitches. They wear skimpy clothes to show off their “sexy and huge” boobs and butts. They don’t see any problem with how they look and they’re the one’s leading the big is beautiful movement. Anyone who is in shape is ugly and has a flat butt and no boobs.

Where to spot them: Clubs, Victoria’s Secret, the beach

The Fat and Proud Fatty

Our buddy Donna Simpson!

This is a rare breed of fatty. They are very similar to the fat denial fatty in that they’re proud of their bodies, except they’ve actually accepted they’re fat. They know they’re fat,  they don’t care, and they don’t want to do anything about it. They aren’t bothered by people making fun of their weight because frankly, they really don’t give a shit. They gloriously march (or ride their mobility scooters) toward diabetes, heart disease and death with no fear and enjoy every bite of food along the way.

Where to spot them: Supermarkets, Buffets

The Dieting Fatty

The dieting fatty thinks he’s healthy, and loves to tell you how you can be healthy too. They’re always on the latest fad diet and preaching about it’s effectiveness. They can tell you about every diet that doesn’t work and love to launch into their story. “I’ve tried Atkins, South Beach, The Zone Diet, The grapefruit diet, you name it I’ve tried it. They all worked okay, but I couldn’t seem to keep the weight off.” read: “When I started eating garbage again, I gained all the weight back.” Go figure, what a shocker. They’re sure what they are doing currently is the best diet out there.

Where to spot them: the gym, the workplace

The Big Boned Fatty

Also known as the genetic fatty. It isn’t their fault they’re overweight because it’s genetic. Apparently it’s in their genes to eat junk food all day. This type of fatty loves to make excuses as to why they’re fat. They’ll say things like “If I don’t eat enough, I’ll get dizzy,” or “I would workout, but I have arthritis in my knees.” Nothing is ever their fault and they love when other people feel sorry for their genetic predispositions. They also love talking about their weight “issues.”

Where to spot them: the workplace, social events

The Healthy Fatty

The healthy fatty knows everything about being fit. They rattle off statistics about how technically, fat people are healthier than, well…healthy people. They tell you about how they went to the gym earlier and did 2 hours of cardio and an hour of weights. They like to wear headbands and sweatbands to the gym and give you pointers on how you can better your form on the machines. They eat salads in front of others and say “wow, I don’t know how you can eat all that.” They then go home and eat a ton so they have enough energy for tomorrow’s workout.

Where to spot them: The gym, the workplace

The “Big” Fatty

These guys are true bro’s. They’ll tell  you how much they bench and they’ve counted and can tell you how many beers they’ve consumed in their entire lives. They grunt and scream and slam the weights down at the gym. They wear shirts that say things like “XXXL BITCH!” or “HUGE.” They read every muscle magazine and they take 20 supplements so they can stay “big.” They love to reminisce about their days during high school football.

Where to spot them: The gym, bouncing at a bar, football games

The Funny Fatty

Let’s face it, fat is funny! The funny fatty may be the most interesting breed of fatty. They’re almost always male. They want to be the life of the party and tell jokes about their weight and make everyone laugh. They’re usually a hallow shell on the inside. They were ridiculed when they were in grade school so they decided to become the funny guy in high school. They desperately want a girlfriend and think berating themselves is the way to a lady’s heart.

Where to spot them: Comedy clubs, parties, any Judd Apatow movie

The SSBBW

Susanne Eman

The SSBBW. Myth? They’ve chosen this name for themselves. If you ever see one, consider yourself lucky, it’s uncertain if they even exist!

Where to spot them: Uh…not sure

 

Top 10 Food Trends of 2012

Every new year, some new awesome food products  hit the supermarket shelves. Fast food companies must stay creative to compete with each other. 2012 is going to be a groundbreaking year for the food and beverage industry. Here are my predictions for the coolest trends of 2012.

10.1000 calorie packs

100 calorie packs? Those are so 5 years ago. It’s time for 1000 calorie packs! The true fatty’s snack.

9.Will Kill You For It Coldstone Size

Everyone craves more ice cream. Some fatties might even kill for it. The “Will Kill You For It” size will satisfy these cravings.

8.Obeso size Starbucks Coffee Drinks

They introduced Trenta last year, I think Starbucks will introduce the Obeso size drink this year. Just like 7-11 kept making Big Gulps bigger and bigger, Starbucks will follow in their footsteps. Maybe it will be a 50 oz drink! Now that’s a good way to start your morning!

7.Pringles Quad-stacker

They already have the grab and go stack. 2012 is about bigger and better. It’s time for the quad stack. 4 flavors stacked into one can!

6.XTRA Stuffed Oreos

First regular, then double stuffed Oreo’s. It’s time for XTRA stuffed Oreo’s! The bigger the better.

4.Bacon Soda

Because everything really is better with bacon. Ron Swanson would be proud

4.Deep Fried Frosting

Alright Deep Fried Fair Folk. This is my idea and it hasn’t been out there at fairs yet. When you win the prize for the newest, most creative deep fried food in 2012, I expect a fat salute to Fatty Lane.

3.Cookie Chip Combo packs

They already have frozen pizza and cookie dough sold in the same box. I think it’s time for cookies and chips to come in the same bag. Crunchy, gooey, sweet and salty all in one bag. Is there anything better?

2.Drive Thru All you can eat buffet

People are getting sick and tired of walking from their cars to the buffet lines. I think this is the year when the drive thru buffet hits it big. They can even have a mobility scooter special for those environmentally conscious eaters who rode their scooters instead of drove to help save the environment.

1.Susanne Eman Size Combo Meal’s

Susanne Eman eats 12 tacos, a pan of brownies, 2 liters of soda and 8 scoops of ice cream for dinner so why can’t you? Taco Bell could pave the way for bigger size combo meals with the Susanne Eman combo.

Top 10 Reasons to Get Fat Over the Holidays

10. The food is good

Whether it’s a Christmas Feast or some delicious Chanukah Potato Latkes, holiday feasts are generally delicious and 100% worth scarfing down.

9.Egg Nog

Cream, sugar and eggs. Oh, and some brandy. Does it get any better?

8.Extra insulation for the cold winter months

Let your fat keep you warm. You don’t need no stinkin’ clothes…

7.You can hide your fat under a jacket until the spring

…But if you do need clothes, you can hide all your fat under a jacket.

6. Play santa at christmas parties

Play SSBBS(Super-sized-big-beautiful-santa) at your company Christmas Party. Every child loves sitting on a fat Santa’s lap…unless it’s at Joe Paterno’s Christmas party.

5. So you can be more jolly

Fat goes with Jolly like Peanut Butter goes with jelly.

4.Stock up on new clothes at after christmas sales

Packing on the lbs will force you to buy a new wardrobe.

3.Makes your new years resolution to lose weight easier

Everyone says they’ll lose weight as their New Years resolution. Why not make it easier on yourself and lose the weight you just gained over the holidays…and buy more new clothes.

2.Play the Christmas drinking game guilt free

Sounds pretty awesome to me.

1.Because Fat is Funny

It really is funny.

Top 10 Fat Basketball Players

I’ll start this list off by saying fat basketball players are a rare breed. They aren’t like football or baseball players who stand around more. Basketball players are constantly moving. I’d also like to say Charles Barkley is not on this list because he wasn’t ever really fat when he played. Also, apparently the Celtics really like fatty’s…and that isn’t even counting Paul Pierce.

10.Eddy curry

Career PPG: 13.3

Teams Played For: CHI, NYK

9.Antoine Walker

Career PPG: 17.5

Teams Played For: BOS, DAL, ATL, MIA, MIN

8.”Big Baby” Glen Davis

Career PPG: 7.6

Teams Played For: BOS

7.Stanley Roberts 

Career PPG: 8.5

Teams Played For: ORL, LAC, MIN, HOU, PHI

6.”Big Country” Bryant reeves

Career PPG: 12.5

Teams Played For: VAN

5.Mike Sweetney

Career PPG: 6.5

Teams Played For: NYK, CHI (and a tryout for BOS)

4.Robert “Tractor” Traylor 

Career PPG: 4.8

Teams Played For: MIL, CLE, CHH, NOH

3.Oliver Miller

Career PPG: 7.4

Teams Played For: PHO, DET, TOR, DAL, SAC, MIN

2.Shaq 

Career PPG: 23.7

Teams Played For: ORL, LAL, MIA, PHO, CLE, BOS

1.Orlando Magic Stuff

Career PPG: 0.0

Teams Played For: Orlando

A true fatty…

Top 10 Ways to Stay Fat on Thanksgiving

The ultimate fatty holiday is Thanksgiving. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, everywhere you look you see news stories or articles on how to avoid gaining weight. I’m here to make sure you enjoy your holiday. It only comes once a year and you only live once right? Let’s look at the top 10 ways to make sure you don’t fall into the trap of losing weight, aka not fully enjoying thanksgiving.

1. Eat a Big Breakfast

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Just because you are feasting later, that doesn’t mean you should skip or skimp on breakfast. Load up your plate a prep your gut for the goodness to come.

2. Skip the physical activity

All the calorie counting losers around you will be looking to burn a few calories by getting outside and exercising. Big mistake. You don’t need to move, the couch will do just fine. If you must join the fam outside suggest a game of football. Volunteer to be the referee or the kicker.

3. skip the water

They say “water will make  you full and you’ll want to eat less.” Precisely the problem. You are allowed alcohol of any kind, soda or other sugary drinks, dairy and caffeine.

4.Sit around and watch football


The Green Bay vs. Detroit game might even be worth watching this year! Basketball would get the nod too…except they can’t get their act together.

5. Eat early

Note: Don't eat your cat or dog

The sooner you eat, the more time you have to eat the rest of the day. Aim for a lunchtime feast and you’ll be having some next day leftovers the same day.

6. Take two plates to start

You need to set the tone the right way. Take a minimum of two plates to start. This ensures you’ll get top notch fresh food as well as a good start to stuffing your gullet.

7. Mix in dessert with dinner

Why wait until the end of the meal for the good stuff? You should have a slice of pie on every plate you eat. Make sure you have a nice variety for dessert. Oh, and make sure you save some dessert for dessert.

8. Skip the Vegetables

Just like water, it’s a waste of taste and space in your stomach. With all the delicious Thanksgiving food, veggies should be your last option. Unless of course they are government approved veggies like pizza and french fries.

9. Gravy

Gravy is the best part of Thanksgiving. It should go on everything. Put some in your coffee. Put it on your your turkey. Put it on your pie. Drink it straight. It’s delicious.

10. Adapt an “it’s a now or never” attitude

People will say “No need to stuff your face, you can eat turkey year round.” This is true but Thanksgiving day only comes once. You can have a bbq and a watermelon in January but it’s not the same as doing it on 4th of July. To truly enjoy the holiday, you must realize it’s now or never. Eat like it will be your last Thanksgiving…chances are it might be and your heart will stop beating before the next one.

 

 

 

It’s as Easy as 5-2-1-0-very little

USA Today reports obese teens who want to lose weight don’t know how to. U.S childhood obesity rates have tripled over the past three decades so the government decided it’s finally time to do something about it. The study showed obese girls who were trying to lose weight were more likely to engage in at least 60 minutes of exerciseeach day, but they were also more likely to consume a soda on a daily basis.

Obese males who were trying to lose weight did not exercise and spent three hours a day playing video games. These were the kids who were trying to lose weight? What were the kids doing who weren’t trying to lose weight? Dr. Yolandra Hancock from Children’s National Medical Center said “the study demonstrates a clear lack of understanding about how (many) calories are burned during exercise…To burn off the calories in one sugary soda, you need to run a mile, and most teenagers don’t engage in that level of physical activity.

Despite the fact the doc doesn’t realize all calories aren’t the same so calories in vs. calories out is bogus, she does have an “easy” solution for obese teens. It’s the easy to understand 5-2-1-0 rule

5 fruits or vegetables

2 hours or less of screen time

1 hour of physical activity

0 sugary beverages…or very little.

I’ll take 5 orders of fries, play video games 3 hours(average for teen trying to lose weight) but one hour will be dance dance revolution. And I’ll drink nice heart healthy diet cokes! I’ll be healthy in no time!

Top 10 Fat TV Characters

10.Hurley

Show: Lost

Played by: George Garcia

He’s lucky they didn’t turn to cannibalism on the island, he would have been the first to go.

 

9.Doug Heffernan

Show: King of Queens

Played by: Kevin James

He was funnier in Hitch.

 

8.Newman

Show: Seinfeld

Played by: Wayne Knight

Hello Newman.

 

7.Kevin Malone

Show: The Office

Played by: Brian Baumgartner

He keeps a giant jar of M&M’s on his desk like a true fatty.

 

6.Dan Conner

Show: Rosanne

Played by: John Goodman

I wouldn’t be smiling if I was married to Rosanne.

 

5.Jerry Gergich-Jim O’Heir

Show: Parks and Recreation

Played by: Jim O’Heir

Poor Jerry, always getting made fun of…probably because he’s fat.

 

4.Cedric Jackie Robinson

Show: The Steve Harvey Show

Played by: Cedric the Entertainer

Let Jackie Gleason be Ralph Kramden.

 

3.Kenan Thompson

Show: All That/ Kenan and Kel

Played by: Kenan Thompson

Back when he was still funny…pre SNL.

 

2.George Costanza

Show: Seinfeld

Played by: Jason Alexander

He lived out every fat person’s dream during the summer of George.

 

 

1. Ralph Kramden

Show: The Honeymooners

Played by: Jackie Gleason

Apparently spousal abuse was still funny back in the 1950’s.