A Model…Idiot

Susanne Eman, meet Ioana Spangenberg. She needs some help. She is a model who has tried EVERYTHING to gain weight! And she just can’t do it! Poor little thang.

That’s a 20 inch waist you’re looking at. In a recent article, Ioana says she has tried everything to gain weight around her midsection. She has tried eating three whole meals a day! She has tried snacking on chocolate and crisps ( I hate the word crisps. Call it a chip or a cracker!). Hmm…where have I heard that line before? “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” Oh, that’s right, it’s the anthem of fat dieters.

There’s a big fat acceptance movement and even a pro anorexic movement so why is this woman kidding herself? Why the hell would she try to gain weight around her midsection if her tiny ass waist is the reason she’s a model in the first place? It’s like a sumo wrestler trying to lose weight. It just doesn’t make sense. But, if you really want to gain weight Ioana, try some of the Fatty Lane cookbook recipes! ūüėČ

Seven Layer Cupcakes

Sausage Stuffed Duck Fat Fried Mac and Cheese

3X3 Krinkle Cut Nachos

These guarantee you will get fatter.

Would you rather be a whale or a mermaid?

There’s a story floating around the internet that goes something like this:

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and tan beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?! “

Aww…Isn’t that such a touching response? The problem is, our lady of “size-unknown” doesn’t realize she’s missing the point of the ad. She doesn’t realize she’s probably already the proverbial mermaid she pictures and not the whale.

-Let’s see here Mermaids need to see a psychiatrist for personality issues. Overweight people tend to be depressed¬†which may lead to therapy

-Mermaids cannot bear children. The Journal of the American Medical association suggests that some parents may be too fat to raise their kids.

-She Claims mermaids are lonely and sad. Fat People tend to feel lonely and have a lower self-image than normal weight people.

Now let’s take a look at the whale she claims she would rather be.

– Whales are surrounded by friends. Obese women tend to have poorer social relationships than normal weight women.

-Whales are sexually active. Obese people are generally less sexually satisfied.

– Whales eat lots of prawns, not lots of “ice cream with their children.”

-Whales travel all over the world. Obese people sometimes can’t fit into a plane seat.

-Whales swim a lot. Fat people write letters to gyms filled with excuses about why they won’t come in to swim.

No one said thin people can’t eat dinner with their husbands or have drinks with their friends. They just don’t the ice cream for dinner with their kids, they save it for dessert, and they usually spend the next day ¬†at the gym instead of writing silly letters. AND IT”S MERMAN!

Big Fat Sex is the Answer

Not that anyone cares, but Kirstie Alley lost weight…again. She lost 100lbs and says she didn’t lose the weight for health reasons. Kirstie says she “didn’t like the way she looked” and “didn’t want to have fat sex.”

It would look more dramatic if I had Photoshop

What exactly is fat sex? I tried googling “fat sex” and got exactly what I thought I’d get. I’m not looking for fat porn. I know from my site stats I get a few viewers per day on Fatty Lane looking for fatty sex.

I was on my own to figure out what fat sex is…and is it really as bad as Kirstie Allie says. So what is fat sex? A fetish for chubby chasers? Nope. Is it the same as regular sex? kind of…but you need more pillows. After minutes of extensive research, I figured it out. Kirstie Alley was lying. Fat sex isn’t a bad thing. Fat sex is the reason people become fat. This whole obesity problem makes sense now. People become obese to have fat sex. Ask Pauline Potter, She says she’s a “sex goddess” and “has fantastic sex every day.”

Give it to me baby...

If you really want to improve your sex life. Start eating more and doing less. Sit on your couch all day. This isn’t going to be easy. You have to study and memorize a lot of excuses to become a successful obese person. You need an excuse for why you eat so much and do so little. You need excuses for why you bought your mobility scooter. Don’t let the haters phase you,¬† you’ll have the ultimate reward in the end. If you get fat enough, you too can be a sex god or goddess. Stay focused. Stay on track, and you can have the sex life you’ve always dreamed of…

 

 

 

Run Faster Irene

Hurricane Irene didn’t cause mass destruction or the end the world like the media predicted (and hoped) it would. This caused one media outlet to compare the storm to an “overweight jogger just holding on to the end of a run.”

When asked why she didn’t live up to her potential, Irene, like many overweight people, stated it was “too hard…her relatives were also overweight…and she has a thyroid problem.”

Don’t judge me!

A new study published this week on overweight women confirms that women may STILL feel stigmatized about their weight even if their family and friends don’t judge them negatively. The findings showed the mass media marketing machine¬† have more influence on how women feel about their weight…I smell big fat excuses!

This brings up the question, should a loved one tell someone they love they’re overweight? Or should they just let their health problems and weight spiral out of control. Is this the best kind of love? If my friend was a heroin addict would i tell him he has a problem or will that make him feel insecure and stigmatized?

It seems it’s worse to hurt someone’s feelings than let them destroy their health. I know, I know, “but it’s their bodies!” That is FINE WITH ME! I don’t care, just let me have my fat bashing media!

 

The article concluded

“Fat is understood culturally to represent profound personal failing and the attendant moral messages attached to it include laziness, lack of self-control and being undesirable or even repulsive.”

Hey, You said it not me. The real problem may be pringles addiction, but that’s a story for another day.

Time Spent Eating Pringles

Big Fat “Psychology”

As St. Jerome once stated “a fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.”

I get it now. With all the fat diluting their brains, fat people can only come up with excuses for not doing anything about it. These excuses usually include:

 

– It’s hard

-I have a thyroid problem

-I can’t exercise

-I cant just eat 3 cans of Pringles

-It’s genetics

 

In a recent artice in the Tennessean entitled OBESITY EPIDEMIC (gasp!), The psychology of obesity is discussed. The author writes about a poor soul who sees endless holes at the bottom of potato chip bags.

Joel Meriwether goes on to state that the “issue is not caring enough about myself to have the willpower.” Joel can’t stop eating potato chips because they taste great, he can’t stop eating them because…

“Scientists have discovered that depression and obesity feed on each other in a cycle that is difficult to break, no matter which comes first. Obese people have a 55 percent increased risk of developing depression, and depressed people have a 58 percent greater likelihood of becoming obese, according to an article published last year in the Archives of General Psychiatry. But obesity researchers do not fully understand the triggers in the mind that cause people to overeat.”

It really surprises me obesity is associated with depression. Generally obese people have no other health problems associated with their condition. Joel had gastric bypass and lost 300 pounds. After the band slowly started to increase in size, he put 100 pounds back on. He didn’t even realize he was eating more! This is where we venture into big fat excuse land. Joel goes on to give many reasons as to why it’s so “hard” not to eat anything you want and sit around and do nothing all day.

-Shame

-Fear of change

-Feels alone

-Never had a romantic relationship

-Society is based on couples and not singles (zuh??)

-Arthritic knees

-Won’t exercise in the YMCA pool (which limits impact on his arthritic knees) because he doesnt’ want to be seen in a swimsuit

-He likes pizza. He always assumed it was “the perfect food group because it had dairy, it had vegetable, it had protein and it had bread.”

– He wants more surgery but his insurance won’t cover it

-He has a gastric pocket in his stomach, which allows his stomach to grow “allowing” him to gradually add weight

Excuse after excuse after excuse. If the doctor told me I would die if i spent too much time inside, I wouldn’t say “but i don’t really like to go in the sun…”

You wont exercise because you are embarrassed and you are embarrassed in part, because you never exercised. Rather than do something about my problem, I’ll just sit here…

"I thought that pizza was healthy..."