Fat Fued

On one of the most reliable news shows in the world, E!’s Fashion Police, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera fat. In other news, the pot called the kettle black. Osbourne apparently has beef because Aguilera called her fat for years when she was “never that fat.”

"I wasn't THAT ugly either..."

Kelly went on to say “Maybe she’s just becoming the fat bitch she was always born to be. I don’t know. She was always a cunt to me.” OOOOOH, she said the “C” word. She concluded saying “She called me fat for so many fucking years, so you know what? Fuck you! You’re fat too.”It isn’t nice to call people fat, that can hurt their feelings.

Slow down Kelly, I hate to break it to you, Christina has you beat no matter how you slice the pie. She wins grammy’s, you win teen choice awards. She’s known for her voice, you’re known for your drug abusing father. I think most people would choose her fat over you “thin” any day.

Winner: Christina

Winner: Christina (Kelly: leave the pulp fiction look to Uma)


Big Fat “Psychology”

As St. Jerome once stated “a fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.”

I get it now. With all the fat diluting their brains, fat people can only come up with excuses for not doing anything about it. These excuses usually include:


– It’s hard

-I have a thyroid problem

-I can’t exercise

-I cant just eat 3 cans of Pringles

-It’s genetics


In a recent artice in the Tennessean entitled OBESITY EPIDEMIC (gasp!), The psychology of obesity is discussed. The author writes about a poor soul who sees endless holes at the bottom of potato chip bags.

Joel Meriwether goes on to state that the “issue is not caring enough about myself to have the willpower.” Joel can’t stop eating potato chips because they taste great, he can’t stop eating them because…

“Scientists have discovered that depression and obesity feed on each other in a cycle that is difficult to break, no matter which comes first. Obese people have a 55 percent increased risk of developing depression, and depressed people have a 58 percent greater likelihood of becoming obese, according to an article published last year in the Archives of General Psychiatry. But obesity researchers do not fully understand the triggers in the mind that cause people to overeat.”

It really surprises me obesity is associated with depression. Generally obese people have no other health problems associated with their condition. Joel had gastric bypass and lost 300 pounds. After the band slowly started to increase in size, he put 100 pounds back on. He didn’t even realize he was eating more! This is where we venture into big fat excuse land. Joel goes on to give many reasons as to why it’s so “hard” not to eat anything you want and sit around and do nothing all day.


-Fear of change

-Feels alone

-Never had a romantic relationship

-Society is based on couples and not singles (zuh??)

-Arthritic knees

-Won’t exercise in the YMCA pool (which limits impact on his arthritic knees) because he doesnt’ want to be seen in a swimsuit

-He likes pizza. He always assumed it was “the perfect food group because it had dairy, it had vegetable, it had protein and it had bread.”

– He wants more surgery but his insurance won’t cover it

-He has a gastric pocket in his stomach, which allows his stomach to grow “allowing” him to gradually add weight

Excuse after excuse after excuse. If the doctor told me I would die if i spent too much time inside, I wouldn’t say “but i don’t really like to go in the sun…”

You wont exercise because you are embarrassed and you are embarrassed in part, because you never exercised. Rather than do something about my problem, I’ll just sit here…

"I thought that pizza was healthy..."

Fat chance

The Obesity Research journal posted an eye-opening, or maybe more appropriately, a mouth-opening study on reducing calories through healthier cooking.

The study asked 432 chefs if they could reduce the calories in their food by 10% to 25% without customers noticing, and 93% thought they could.

There it is. This is the answer to all the big fat problems in the world. 

Why is this bullshit?

  1. Fat people will not order the reduced calorie option
  2. If by “slim chance” fatty orders the low carb cheesecake vs. the regular cheesecake, fatty only saves a couple hundred calories
  3. Fatty will realize that he can now eat more later because he was so healthy at dinner

Fat logic > Fat science