Fatty Lane Guide: The 2012 Ultimate Super Bowl Spread

Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest day for U.S food consumption after Thanksgiving Day. It’s also the eighth most popular day to drink beer. All the summer holidays rank ahead of Super Bowl Sunday for good reason. How much do we eat and drink on Super Bowl Sunday?

-About 26 million avocados (“That’s a lot of guacamole!” Name that quote)

– About 28 million pounds of potato chips

– About 90 million pounds of chicken wings (approx. 500 million wings) Some say it’s even more.

-About 8 million pounds of popcorn

– About 50 million cases of beer (Maybe more this year depending on how much Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams drink)

– Pizza Hut will sell 2 million pizzas ( 1.3 million more than the average day). Dominoes will deliver 1.2 million

– Cracker sales increase 70%

-Frozen shrimp sales increase 30%

-6 % of Americans will call out sick on Monday

– It’s the second most popular day for diarrhea after National Taco Bell Day

Just make sure you beat the crowd to the bathroom and leave your couch a few seconds before half time. So what Does the ultimate Super Bowl Spread look like? It’s a fine science crafting the perfect menu. It takes creativity and respect of traditions. I don’t care if everyone orders pizza, you need it on your menu. You wouldn’t leave turkey off your Thanksgiving menu just because everyone else serves it would you? You also need to use your noggin to think creatively and serve some original foods. Below I present you with the 2012 Ultimate Super Bowl spread.

 

 

It’s divided into 4 categories:

1. The classics

2.Beverages

3.Chips and dips

4. Finger foods

5. Desserts

 

The Classics:

1. Pizza

2. Wings

It’s as simple as that. Order from your favorite pizza place or make your own.

Beverages:

1. Crappy American beer like Bud Light

2. A craft beer like Dogfish Head

3. Soda

The perfect trio. Water optional.

Chips and Dips:

1. Tostitos Black Bean and garlic chips

2. Krinkle Cut Kettle Chips

3. Guacamole

4. Salsa

5. Queso Dip

6. French Onion Dip

Buy nice chips!! They make everything better. The black bean and garlic chips are tasty and extra crunchy. Same goes for the Kettle Chips. 4 different dips gives plenty of options for anyone.

Finger Foods:

1. Bacon wrapped dates

2.Bacon deviled eggs

3.Bacon spinach artichoke crostini’s

4.Man Log aka Bacon wrapped sausage and cheese

Bacon makes everything better. Don’t worry about pleasing vegetarian guests. In fact if you have vegetarian friends, kindly take the first right and exit Fatty Lane.

Desserts:

1. Cookies

2. Cupcakes

It’s all about food you can hold and eat with your hands. Try the Fatty Lane 7 layer cupcakes.

This is all it takes to throw the perfect Super Bowl Party…Oh, and a TV.

 

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The Bacon Tampon

There are already so many uses for bacon. The Guardian recently reported that shoving bacon up your nose can stop a nosebleed. Just another reason bacon is awesome. Doctors at Detroit Medical Center treated a child with a prolonged nosebleed by using a “nasal tampon” made out of cured salted pork. The method was used two times in a 24 hour period (pun!) to stop the bleeding.

Apparently using salted pork to stop nose bleeds is an old folk lure from the 1800’s. They stopped using this treatment because of parasites and bacteria. The University of Minnesota says the reason the pork works is that the salt and the cold temperature constrict blood vessels and the fat stimulates the clotting system.

I smell (pun!) a business opportunity here! Look for Fatty Lane brand bacon band-aids on your local store shelves soon.

 

Fat Acting!

I recently did a post about anti-obesity advertisements that were run by New York City to try to get people to pay attention to their portion sizes. They questioned the ethics of soda and fast food portion sizes. Here is the original ad.

Wow, he had to get his leg amputated because he ordered large sodas. It turns out he didn’t. A health department spokesman said ” We might stop using actors in our ads if the food industry stops using actors in theirs.” I’m not quite sure what this means. You mean to say you couldn’t find a fat person out there with one leg? This sounds like laziness to me. I don’t understand who he wants the food industry to use in their advertisements. In photo advertisements, it’s generally just pictures of delicious food. Sure it never looks like the real food, but everyone knows that already. Does he want fat actors in their advertisements? Actors with one leg? Fat actors with two legs who have been photoshopped? This is the original picture of the man.

Look at that! He has both of his legs! Still something seemed fishy so I did some digging. It turn’s out the picture above was photoshopped from this original

and that was photoshopped from this…

It all makes sense now. Lebron was the actor they hired. Maybe that’s why he plays like he has one leg in the playoffs.

Paula Deen Caught Red Handed…With Ketchup on her Hands

Paula Deen has decided to celebrate diabetes and her million dollar spokeswoman contract by going on a cruise…and proceeding to eat giant hamburgers! TMZ reported the story with a picture of Paula Stuffing her face.

Courtesy TMZ

You go Paula. Way to say eff off diabetes and eat what you want. Oh wait…you claim your eating didn’t contribute your diabetes anyway. The picture didn’t really surprise me. She really looks like she’s ravishing that burger. She must have read the Fatty Lane top 10 burger chain post yesterday and couldn’t contain herself. Some are outraged at the picture. If they only knew about the picture of her I have. She’s eating a burger…and beating a puppy with a cupcake tin. That’s messed up Paula.

That's messed up.

 

Top 10 Best Burger Chains

Burgers are an essential food for for any fatty or aspiring fatty. These the Fatty Lane top 10 picks for burger chains in America.

10. Red Robin

Why it’s awesome: They have an amazing variety of burgers on their menu. From the A.1 Peppercorn Burger to the Whiskey River BBQ burger, you can’t really make a wrong decision. Not to mention those crispy onion straws are great!

Locations: Throughout the country

Fatty Lane order: The Bleu Ribbon Burger with bottomless steak fries and a freckled lemonade.

9. Fat Burger

Why it’s awesome: It’s a simple old fashion burger joint. They serve up burgers, fries and shakes. They have big fat deals for little skinny wallets.

Locations: AZ,CA,FL,GA,MD, NE,NV,NJ,WA

Fatty Lane order: The Triple King 24oz bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg, Oreo milkshake and an order of chili-cheese fat fries.

8. Smashburger

Why it’s awesome: Their menu is different depending on where you live. They use ingredients that give the burgers a local flare. They also have a mean hot dog.

Locations:AZ,CA,CO,FL,GA,ID,IL,IA,KS,KY, MI, MN,MO,NE,NV,NJ,NY, NC, ND,OH,OK,TN,TX,UT

Fatty Lane order: All American Burger with cheese and an order of chili cheese fries with extra jalapenos.

7. Boardwalk Burgers

Why it’s awesome: They started as a french fry restaurant and added burgers in 2007. They cook their fries in peanut oil multiple times to perfection.

Locations:AL,CA,DE,FL,GA,MD,MI,NJ,PA,VA

Fatty Lane order: Double cheeseburger with bacon and an order of fries. Make sure to save room for the funnel cake fries for dessert.

6.Mooyah

Why it’s awesome: Classic, simple, American burgers. Their buns are custom baked, the fries are cut in house every day and the beef is never frozen.

Locations:CA,CT,TN,TX. Coming soon to AL and KS.

Fatty Lane order: Mooyah Burger with mooyah sauce, pickles, ketchup and mustard with fries and a vanilla milk shake.

5. The Counter Burger

Why it’s awesome: You can create 312,120 different burger combinations not to mention they have a pretty awesome beer selection.

Locations:CA,CT,FL,GA,HI,IL,NY,TX,VA,WA

Fatty Lane order: 1 pound burger with jalapeno jack cheese, fried onion strings, and chipotle aioli. Add Parmesan rosemary fries and whatever Allagash beer they have.

4. Fuddruckers 

Why it’s awesome: Fresh products. The buns are baked in house every day. They offer “exotic” game burgers such as buffalo, elk and wild boar.

Locations: Throughout the Country

Fatty Lane order: Buffalo burger inferno style with jalapenos, caramelized onions and pepper jack cheese with seasoned wedge fries.

3. 5 Guys Burgers and Fries

Why it’s awesome: Simple classic burgers and quality ingredients. They cook their fries in peanut oil which adds a nice extra flavor. You build your own burger. They don’t serve a veggie burger which is pretty awesome. They also serve peanuts in bulk.

Locations:Throughout the country

Fatty Lane order:  Bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, pickles, grilled onion, mustard and ketchup with cajun style fries.

2. Elevation Burger

Why it’s awesome: They use free range grass-fed beef that is ground on premise. Grass-fed makes it taste so much better…and it’s better for the environment. Win-win.

Locations:CA,FL,MD,ME,NJ,NY,PA,TX,VA

Fatty Lane order: Vertigo burger with 4 patties. Add elevation sauce, balsalmic mustard and caramelized onions.

1. In-n-Out

Why it’s awesome: It’s scientifically proven In-n-out has the best burgers ever. They have great quality ingredients. It’s extremely consistent and tastes great every time you go. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s based out of California and the sunshine adds the extra deliciousness.

Locations:AZ,CA,NV,TX,UT

Fatty Lane order: 4×4 animal stye with animal style fries.

Fat Salute: Bulletproof Coffee

There’s a new method to preparing coffee floating around that makes you feel bulletproof. There’s a simple formula to preparing it…

The coffee was dreamed up by The Bulletproof Executive. Here’s how to make it:

1. Take about 2 cups of black coffee brewed with mold free beans

2. Add 2 tablespoons of unsalted grass-fed butter

3. Add MCT oil (optional)

4. Blend until a nice foam forms at the top

 

This doesn’t sound terrible. It’s important to use grass-fed butter such as Kerrygold because it will blend better and let’s be honest, it tastes way better than regular butter. Salted butter will make for salty coffee so stick with unsalted. The only thing silly about this whole idea is the ingredients in cream are:

1. Cream

The ingredients in butter are:

1. Cream

Does Cream lose or gain something magical when you churn it? I don’t know. Bulletproof coffee gets a fat salute anyway because adding butter to anything is always a great idea.

Taco Bell…What the Hell?

Let me start by stating the obvious. I love Taco Bell. There is no better food when you’re drunk and there’s no better food when you’re hungover. In fact, even when you aren’t drunk Taco Bell is so salty and delicious that it can induce its own Taco Bell hangover.

We've all been there.

Last year Taco Bell took to shot to the chin when a lawsuit was filed against them saying they didn’t use real meat and instead only used a 35% meat mixture. Taco bell saw sales drop 5 percent in the second quarter and 2 percent in the third quarter. The lawsuit was quickly thrown out and Taco Bell tried desperately to defend its image by saying their beef was 88% beef and 12% “signature ingredients”, equaling 100% deliciousness.

First of all, I don’t really care if T-Bell (credit to my brother for the awesome slang) is 1% meat and 99% “signature ingredients.” If you’re going to T-Bell for the quality, you should reevaluate the ability to use your brain properly. It would be one thing if Morton’s Steakhouse or Whole Foods wasn’t selling real beef, this is Taco Bell people!

The point of Taco Bell is to enjoy and appreciate the fine delicate flavors of nacho cheese sauce and chalupa shells. It’s about sitting in the drive-thru at 1 am because nothing else is open. It’s about Taco Bell burps, which all taste the same regardless of what your eat.

So, T-Bell was trying to revamp its image after the whole lawsuit fiasco and came out with the Doritos Taco Shell…

Well played Taco Bell. Did anyone complain the Doritos “secret ingredients”?

No. Because no one cared and no one should care. The point of Taco Bell isn’t for health, it’s for indulgence. If health and fresh ingredients are your concern, you should probably stay away from fast food in general. If you want to exercise your right to gluttony, T-Bell is the place to be.

With the start of the new year Taco Bell introduced to new concepts to the menu. The first I back fully, the second made me say “what the hell Taco Bell?”

The successful introduction was First Meal, which launches this week and will be available in 750 stores.

The menu will include breakfast burritos, hash browns, Seattle’s Best coffee and Cinnabon Delights.

Items will cost between $.99 and $2.79. Well played Taco Bell. I can’t wait for breakfast nachos and quesadillas to be added to the menu.

The other new menu addition is the Cantina Bell Menu. Apparently T-Bell is trying to get their Chipotle on. They will be offering “fresh food” and include black beans, cilantro rice and grilled corn salsa. No word on what percentage of the corn is actually made of corn. Their “burrito bowl” will be cheaper than Chipotle’s.

ooooo fresh!

This is the worst addition to the Taco Bell menu since the Fresca menu. I really do hope these moves pay off for Taco Bell and they make boatloads of money. That way they can bring back the chili cheese burrito to all stores and maybe even work out a deal with Pringles! Mmm…dare to dream.

Pringles Nachos anyone?

 

A Fat Scheme?

I love irony. I also love a good conspiracy theory. I finally found the epitome of both! The woman who brought you…

-Deep Fried Butter Balls

-Velveeta Chocolate Fudge

-Deep Fried Cheesecake

-The Donut Bacon Egg Sandwich

-The Twinkie Pie

-Deep Fried Lasagna

-Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding

…has been diagnosed with diabetes. How is this possible!? Paula Deen has type 2 diabetes! Never saw that one coming…

Now I’m not saying diabetes is hilarious, but let’s take a look at the hilarious turn of events. Paula Deen puts out cookbooks and TV shows with the most ridiculously, delicious looking, fatty recipes around. She makes millions of dollars and even goes on the redneck version of cribs. She eats her face off for years…until one day…She says she has diabetes. Then she says that she hid her diabetes for years.

Then she announces a multi-million dollar spokesperson deal with the pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk A/S to pitch…you guessed it, a diabetes drug!

She then says she isn’t changing her diet because it wasn’t her diets fault. Hmm…The best part of this whole ordeal was Anthony Bourdain chiming in. Let me preface this by saying I think Anthony Bourdain is a huge douchebag tool normally, but this time he was pretty funny. In the past he said Paula was the “most dangerous person in America.” His latest comment towards her was “thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business so I can profitably sell crutches later.” Major burn. I say this is all one big conspiracy and the whole thing was Paula’s original plan from the start.

Doesn’t that Fat Taste Delicious?

mmm...fatty and salty!

Scientists at Washington University have discovered that we might have a taste bud that can detect fat. Our tongues have taste buds for sweet, sour, salty, bitter and unami, or savory. Now it appears we may have a taste for fat too. Fat completes the cycle of deliciousness on our tongues. I propose a taste bud diet. It would be glorious…Make sure you taste every flavor at every meal.

No. that’s too healthy. We need a Fatty Lane Style Taste bud breakfast…

That’s better.

 

Win a Free Trip to the Zoo!!!

Doctors in the UK have started referring patients to the zoo if they’re too fat to fit into a CT scanner. According to the article, This is a common practice in America. Damn you Britain, will you please get over the fact you lost the Evolutionary war and stop making fun of Fat americans…leave that to us Americans, we don’t need any help…

Dr. Riaz Dharamshi wrote on his blog, “imagine the humiliation for the patient. ‘I’m sorry sir but you are too fat to have a CT scan, so we are going to send you to the zoo where they are used to dealing with larger spcimens.'” Maybe the doctors just need to rephrase the offer. “Congratulations! You’ve been randomly selected to get a CT scan in the dream location of your choice!!!! You can get one done on an airplane, in a hot air balloon, OR at the ZOO!”

How Exciting!