Top 10 Food Trends of 2012

Every new year, some new awesome food products  hit the supermarket shelves. Fast food companies must stay creative to compete with each other. 2012 is going to be a groundbreaking year for the food and beverage industry. Here are my predictions for the coolest trends of 2012.

10.1000 calorie packs

100 calorie packs? Those are so 5 years ago. It’s time for 1000 calorie packs! The true fatty’s snack.

9.Will Kill You For It Coldstone Size

Everyone craves more ice cream. Some fatties might even kill for it. The “Will Kill You For It” size will satisfy these cravings.

8.Obeso size Starbucks Coffee Drinks

They introduced Trenta last year, I think Starbucks will introduce the Obeso size drink this year. Just like 7-11 kept making Big Gulps bigger and bigger, Starbucks will follow in their footsteps. Maybe it will be a 50 oz drink! Now that’s a good way to start your morning!

7.Pringles Quad-stacker

They already have the grab and go stack. 2012 is about bigger and better. It’s time for the quad stack. 4 flavors stacked into one can!

6.XTRA Stuffed Oreos

First regular, then double stuffed Oreo’s. It’s time for XTRA stuffed Oreo’s! The bigger the better.

4.Bacon Soda

Because everything really is better with bacon. Ron Swanson would be proud

4.Deep Fried Frosting

Alright Deep Fried Fair Folk. This is my idea and it hasn’t been out there at fairs yet. When you win the prize for the newest, most creative deep fried food in 2012, I expect a fat salute to Fatty Lane.

3.Cookie Chip Combo packs

They already have frozen pizza and cookie dough sold in the same box. I think it’s time for cookies and chips to come in the same bag. Crunchy, gooey, sweet and salty all in one bag. Is there anything better?

2.Drive Thru All you can eat buffet

People are getting sick and tired of walking from their cars to the buffet lines. I think this is the year when the drive thru buffet hits it big. They can even have a mobility scooter special for those environmentally conscious eaters who rode their scooters instead of drove to help save the environment.

1.Susanne Eman Size Combo Meal’s

Susanne Eman eats 12 tacos, a pan of brownies, 2 liters of soda and 8 scoops of ice cream for dinner so why can’t you? Taco Bell could pave the way for bigger size combo meals with the Susanne Eman combo.

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Well That Explains Why Everyone is So Stupid

As I mentioned in a previous post, Americans have increased there trans fat consumption a ton since the 1950s when the stuff was rarely used. This was back when people still cooked dinner every night and would choose butter or animal fat over hydrogenated vegetable oils.

As the years passed, people consumed more trans fats and got fatter. The number of stupid people in the world seems to be growing at an alarming rate as well. Maybe there’s a connection?

Researchers have determined that people with a diet high in trans fat are more likely to experience brain shrinkage associated with Alzheimer’s disease than people who consume less trans fat. So keep eating those cookies, cakes and pies! Watch your gut grow and your brain shrink! Don’t worry, you probably won’t live long enough to experience the brain shrinkage.

 

Fatty Lane Cookbook: 3×3 Krinkle Cut Nachos

This one’s an easy one. 3 different meats, 3 different cheeses, one heaping pile of deliciousness. Here’s what’s in it.

1 bag Salt and Pepper Krinkle cut Potato Chips

Bacon

Sausage

Ground Beef

Chedder Cheese

pepper jack Cheese

Queso Cheese (hold the spanish jokes)

1 can green chili peppers

Salsa

Napkins

Oven preheated to 350 degrees

Step 1:

Cook Ground Beef, Sausage, and Bacon. Use as much as you want. The fattier the better!

Step 2:

Dump your krinkle cut chips onto a baking sheet.

Step 3:

Top Chips with sausage and ground beef. Then add cheddar, pepper jack, and queso cheese.

 Step 4:


Top cheese with salsa and chiles and bacon. Feel free to add as many layers as you wish. Bake at 350 degrees until cheese is bubbly and melted. Took about 5-7 min in my oven. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Fatty Flushing

A man in San Francisco pretending to be a physicians assistant got busted. I don’t see what the big deal is…all he did was impersonate someone else, pretend to be a physician’s assistant, perform illegal liposuction, smoke a cigar during surgery, and improperly dispose of the fat removed after the procedure.

Apparently what the fake Carlos Guzmangarza does (sweet name by the way) is picks his clients up at their house in his own car and drives them to his fake clinic that he opened up. He gives the patient a local anesthetic  to numb the area, lights up and performs the surgery. All for a bargain of $3,000!

Carlos Guzmangarza?

The best part is he shows up at his patients house the next day with pounds of fat and says the woman must flush that fat down their own toilet. Carlos also injected an unknown substance into this woman’s face to treat her for acne. The woman says she never suspected anything  until her abdomen became infected and a real doctor told her normal doctors don’t smoke during operations or make your dispose of your own hazardous waste. I’m shocked she was conned, she sounds like a really smart lady…

Top 10 Reasons to Get Fat Over the Holidays

10. The food is good

Whether it’s a Christmas Feast or some delicious Chanukah Potato Latkes, holiday feasts are generally delicious and 100% worth scarfing down.

9.Egg Nog

Cream, sugar and eggs. Oh, and some brandy. Does it get any better?

8.Extra insulation for the cold winter months

Let your fat keep you warm. You don’t need no stinkin’ clothes…

7.You can hide your fat under a jacket until the spring

…But if you do need clothes, you can hide all your fat under a jacket.

6. Play santa at christmas parties

Play SSBBS(Super-sized-big-beautiful-santa) at your company Christmas Party. Every child loves sitting on a fat Santa’s lap…unless it’s at Joe Paterno’s Christmas party.

5. So you can be more jolly

Fat goes with Jolly like Peanut Butter goes with jelly.

4.Stock up on new clothes at after christmas sales

Packing on the lbs will force you to buy a new wardrobe.

3.Makes your new years resolution to lose weight easier

Everyone says they’ll lose weight as their New Years resolution. Why not make it easier on yourself and lose the weight you just gained over the holidays…and buy more new clothes.

2.Play the Christmas drinking game guilt free

Sounds pretty awesome to me.

1.Because Fat is Funny

It really is funny.

You’re Fired…Because You’re Fat and Ugly….

…Actually it’s because you’re black. Yikes! One of my favorite topics! Political (in)correctness. A human rights panel has determined a  stripper named Cecilia Smith was fired from a strip club in Augusta, Maine because she was black…not because she was fat and ugly like the the strip club owner claimed. Racism in the Northeast!?!? What a shocker!

I think my favorite part about the story is how the strip club owner straight up said “She’s just fat and ugly.” He must be a fatist. The club manager referred to the girl as colored and refused to give her a locker like the other “workers” had. In defending itself, the club stressed in its evidence how many minority women it hires. No word on how many fat women it hires. You stay classy PT’s Showclub.

Fatty Lane Cookbook

It’s coming soon. The Fatty Lane E-Cookbook. Well maybe not soon, but I’m going to start posting some recipes that would make most of our society say “That’s a heart attack on a plate.” They won’t know what they’re missing out on. Here’s a recipe.

Quack-fat Breakfast Potatoes and Oink Oink Omelette 

These are duck fat fried breakfast potatoes with a bacon and cheese omelette. I picked up some Duck fat from the meat house.

This breakfast is easy to make and it tastes delicious. Here’s how you make it.

Heat up 3 tablespoons of duck fat in a pan. Add in 2 cloves of garlic and 1/2 an onion and sautee until translucent. Cube one russet and add it to the pan with chives and pepper. Fry until browned and crispy.

Whisk together 2-12 eggs (depending on how fat and hungry you are) and some heavy whipping cream

Dice and cook 2-10 slices of bacon.When at desired crispness, add in 2-12 eggs. When the eggs are about half cooked add in chedder or american cheese. Top with chives, Serve and enjoy!

 

 

To be Fit or be Fat, That is the Question

Are you fat and fit? Prepare to live a nice long life. In an 11 year study of more than 14,000 American men, researchers found those who stayed “fit” lowered their risk of dying by up to 30% compared with those who stopped being “fit”.

Men who improved their fitness levels lowered their risk by up to 44%. For every unit improvement in fitness, there was a 15% decrease in death from any cause and a 19% decrease in dying from heart-related episodes. All these changes happened regardless of how much weight men gained or lost.

I smell something fishy. And i think the fish is fried.

First off the study only looked at men who were close to normal weight or only slightly overweight. What about someone who is obese? Are they healthy if they stay fit? First off, what does “fit” mean?

“Fit” used as as intransitive verb is defined as being the proper size and shape. Fitness is defined as the state of being fit. Using logic, defined as using your noggin to think and reason, how can someone possibly be fat and fit?

"We're both fit!"

The study also didn’t take diet into consideration. Slamming down twinkies for breakfast and hitting the elliptical for an hour can make you live longer? As long as you are “fit” I suppose. This seems to be an observational study with specific results in mind before the study even began.