Nice going Doc

University of Pennsylvania Orthopedic surgeon John D. Kelly writes a monthly column for Outpatient Surgery Magazine.  It’s a magazine you won’t understand, so don’t worry about it if you’ve never heard of it. Dr. Kelly is a funny guy, so he writes a funny column. This month he decided to write about fat people. He did a little article about when to be worried about your patients. Here’s an excerpt:

Be real concerned if:

-Your patient has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

-Your patient has stretch marks on his teeth.

-If there is a comma in your patients weight.

-Your patient has a dog named Twinkie.

-Your patient has a daughter named Tostitos.

-Your patient wears a wristwatch on his finger.

-Your patient has a blood pressure cuff the size of Montana.

Those were some real knee slappers Doc…People were outraged a doctor could make fun of overweight people like that. Dr. Kelly did the whole apology routine and tried his best to make everything all better. Well Dr. Kelly, I’m here to tell you everything is not better. I’m offended and outraged at your column and there is nothing you can do to make it up to me. Those are some of the worst fat jokes I’ve ever heard.

Drrrrr...why did the fat chicken cross the road?

He was probably sitting in his underwear watching Dr. OZ when he realized his column was due. So he did what any high school student would do, he used Google. I’m betting Dr. Kelly searched “fat jokes” and replaced a few words like “mama” with “patient.” I mean seriously, a blood pressure cuff the size of Montana? More Chins than a Chinese phone book? That’s blatant plagiarism! Fat people aren’t the victim here, comedy is. You should be ashamed of yourself Dr. Kelly.

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Top 10 Fat TV Characters

10.Hurley

Show: Lost

Played by: George Garcia

He’s lucky they didn’t turn to cannibalism on the island, he would have been the first to go.

 

9.Doug Heffernan

Show: King of Queens

Played by: Kevin James

He was funnier in Hitch.

 

8.Newman

Show: Seinfeld

Played by: Wayne Knight

Hello Newman.

 

7.Kevin Malone

Show: The Office

Played by: Brian Baumgartner

He keeps a giant jar of M&M’s on his desk like a true fatty.

 

6.Dan Conner

Show: Rosanne

Played by: John Goodman

I wouldn’t be smiling if I was married to Rosanne.

 

5.Jerry Gergich-Jim O’Heir

Show: Parks and Recreation

Played by: Jim O’Heir

Poor Jerry, always getting made fun of…probably because he’s fat.

 

4.Cedric Jackie Robinson

Show: The Steve Harvey Show

Played by: Cedric the Entertainer

Let Jackie Gleason be Ralph Kramden.

 

3.Kenan Thompson

Show: All That/ Kenan and Kel

Played by: Kenan Thompson

Back when he was still funny…pre SNL.

 

2.George Costanza

Show: Seinfeld

Played by: Jason Alexander

He lived out every fat person’s dream during the summer of George.

 

 

1. Ralph Kramden

Show: The Honeymooners

Played by: Jackie Gleason

Apparently spousal abuse was still funny back in the 1950’s.

National Food Day!(challenge)

Yesterday was our first annual food day! Finally a holiday that celebrates fatness everywhere!!! The point of food day is to truly enjoy everything you eat. Oh wait…never mind, it’s to celebrate eating healthy and local food? Sorry fatties, maybe this day isn’t for you.

The day was launched by the terrorist vegan promoting organization CSPI, or Center for Science and Public Interest. All around the country, States held different events to celebrate the day. In Times Square there was an “eat it” where a group ate a balanced meal of mostly local ingredients from farmers markets. Georgia had a food day with 1500 attendees. Detroit offered school children local produce such as acorn squash and blueberries. One second grader said enthusiastically, “It’s about time they feed us acorn squash and not this nasty pizza, french fries and soda…”

According to expert nutrition guy New Mayor Michael Bloomberg, all we need to do is “eat everything, but you’ve just gotta do it in moderation. That’s the key.” Alright this is a pretty lame holiday, so I propose a new National Food Day v. 2.0 for next year. This will really celebrate fatties and ssbbw’s everywhere. It’s called The National Food Day Challenge! We’ll even follow Mayor Bloomberg’s advice and eat everything in moderation. To complete the challenge, all you need to do is eat one of each of items shown and listed below. Nevada will be the most fun. It really exemplifies the true American spirit. Now get out there and start practicing for next years National Food Day Challenge!

All Fat People go to Hell?

About 63% of all Americans are overweight or obese. 74% of Americans believe there is a heaven, while only 59% believe there is a hell (hmm?). The religious “majority” loves to spread the “word” of the bible to fellow non-believers in hopes that one day they too will waste an hour every Sunday sitting in a church pew…so they can go to heaven.

There seems to be some conflicting ideology when it comes to taking the Bible literally among Christians. Christians love to say the Bible is the word of God, and then they proceed to tell you which parts you should follow literally and which parts you shouldn’t.

They get religious tattoos to profess their faith…

In the beginning, God created tattoo guns

 

…even though the Bible clearly states in Leviticus 19:28 “‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.” They proceed to argue “Well you can’t take the whole bible literally…” I guess everyone can pick and choose which parts they decide to follow.

The south is the fattest part of the country, it’s also the most religious part of the country. They better hope for their sake the bible isn’t literal or they’re in a heap of trouble when the afterlife comes.

Gluttony [gluht-n-ee] 

noun

excessive eating and drinking.

It’s one of the Seven Deadly Sins. There have been a few proponents of gluttony throughout history and two big(pun not intended) one’s were Thomas Aquinas and another was St. Gregory the Great. Aquinas viewed gluttony as:

  • Praepropere – eating too soon.
  • Laute – eating too expensively.
  • Nimis – eating too much.
  • Ardenter – eating too eagerly
  • Studiose – eating too daintily
  • Forente – eating wildly

St. Gregory the Great viewed it as:

  • Eating before the time of meals in order to satisfy the palate.
  • Seeking delicacies and better quality of food to gratify the “vile sense of taste.”
  • Seeking after sauces and seasonings for the enjoyment of the palate.
  • Exceeding the necessary amount of food.
  • Taking food with too much eagerness, even when eating the proper amount, and even if the food is not luxurious

Now obviously most people are obese because exercising is hard or they have a genetic thyroid problem, a few are obese because of over stuffing their faces with food. So what does the Bible have to say about gluttony?

Proverbs 23:20-21 says:

Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.

1 Corinthians 3:16:16-17 says:

Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.

Psalm 78:18 says:

They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved.

Proverbs 28:7 says:

The one who keeps the law is a son with understanding, but a companion of gluttons shames his father.

"Obey the bible or you will burn! Oh and free donuts after Church"

Proverbs 25:16 says:

If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, lest you have your fill of it and vomit it.

Proverbs 25:27 says:

It is not good to eat much honey; So to seek one’s own glory is not glory.

Now I know religious people hate logic, but it seems logical that being obese would be considered a sin of gluttony and therefore would send you straight to hell…unless of course you’re sorry, then everything’s cool.

Fat Salute: The back boob

The back boob, or maybe more appropriately, the back rack, is defined by the urban dictionary as:

a fatty deposit on the back that hangs in such a way that it resembles a nippleless breast. May sometimes result from a bra that is too tight, causing temporary back boobs. Mostly seen on very fat women or men with manboobs.”

As Daniel Tosh so eloquently put, you can get to second base by giving her  a hug. The back boob is every fatty boob lovers dream. Not only will you get two normal saggy boobs in the front, you also get two in the back. There are a few benefits to having back boobs.

1. You don’t need to wear a bra, you can let those things flap in the wind.

2. It gives guys a reason to stare at your backside.

3. They aren’t ruined by gigantic nipples like your normal boobs.

4. You don’t have to worry about checking for lumps.

I don't know which are bigger?

Fat boobs on either side of the body? That deserves a fat salute. Oh…and men can have them too…

 

Fat to Fit to Fat

Personal trainer Drew Manning is on a mission. It’s the same mission most Americans go on every day of their entire lives. He’s going to eat whatever he wants, stop exercising, and get fat. He is on a 6 month mission and planned to gain 50-60 pounds. After those six months, he plans to use his own diet and exercise regimen to get back in shape. He started on May 7th, 2011 at 193 pounds looking like this…

It is currently week 23 and Drew has already put on 70 pounds and looks like this…

His fit-to-fat-to fit is an uncommon approach. Some might call it the reverse Oprah. She’s the master of going from fat to fit to fat. Drew says his goal is to “give people hope that it is possible to get fit and stay fit.” Judging by the many banner advertisements on his site and upcoming television appearances, his real goal is probably the big bucks. I can’t blame the guy. Fat people will watch him get right back in to shape and think they can do it to. The only difference is he has his original body already underneath his new found fat. I wonder if he’s consulting Susanne Eman on how to gain weight…

Fat Fued

On one of the most reliable news shows in the world, E!’s Fashion Police, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera fat. In other news, the pot called the kettle black. Osbourne apparently has beef because Aguilera called her fat for years when she was “never that fat.”

"I wasn't THAT ugly either..."

Kelly went on to say “Maybe she’s just becoming the fat bitch she was always born to be. I don’t know. She was always a cunt to me.” OOOOOH, she said the “C” word. She concluded saying “She called me fat for so many fucking years, so you know what? Fuck you! You’re fat too.”It isn’t nice to call people fat, that can hurt their feelings.

Slow down Kelly, I hate to break it to you, Christina has you beat no matter how you slice the pie. She wins grammy’s, you win teen choice awards. She’s known for her voice, you’re known for your drug abusing father. I think most people would choose her fat over you “thin” any day.

Winner: Christina

Winner: Christina (Kelly: leave the pulp fiction look to Uma)

Tacoberfest

For all you west coast fatties, You still have 15 days left of Tacoberfest left before it’s officially over. To celebrate their rich German heritage, Del Taco will be offering Taco Deluxe’s for 89 cents, two crispy fish tacos for $3, two big fat crispy chicken tacos for $4, or two big fat chicken or steak soft tacos for $4. The CBO (chief brand officer) at Del Taco said ” Why should German foods have all the fun this month?” We agree, diarrhea shouldn’t only come from liter’s of beer and sausage this month, it should come from Tacoberfest at Del Taco. Did i mention they have Mr. Pibb in their soda fountain, get your fat butt down there.

Fat Salute: My big fat funny pug

Fat is funny. Wrinkly, squishy faces are funny. Snorting sounds are funny. If A+B=C, then my pug=Funny.

My fat pug Wrigley is my favorite dog ever. She is fat and lazy and she has an attitude problem. She isn’t mean at all, but she could care less about the existence of anyone else around her. She won’t eat her dog food unless you put human food on top of it. She proves beggars can be choosers. She loves to stand in the kitchen in hopes a piece of ground beef will fall out of the skillet, or a slice of turkey will fall off the cutting board.

She likes to go on walks, but she acts like she doesn’t. When she hears the “wanna go for a walk” call, she doesn’t even look up from the couch until the other dogs are leashed up and the door is open. She then meanders over to get her leash clipped on to her flower collar. On the walk, she’ll probably want to take a 10 minute break on the first spot of shady grass she sees. If it’s over 60 degrees, her breathing sounds like a lawnmower.

Wrigley thinks she’s a human. In fact, she has a lot of similarities to real fat women.

Similarity #1: She sits around all day doing nothing

Similarity#2: She loves hot dogs (also known as weiners in some places).

Similarity #3: She has a terrible sense of fashion.

Similarity #4: She hangs out with fatter creatures that make her look better.

Her best friend Ellie the Elephant makes her look skinny

Similarity #5: The older she gets, the more she lets herself go.

Similarity #6: Did I mention she’s lazy?

Cesar Millan has nothing on Wrigley, she is so awesomely stubborn it makes me proud. As Fat as Wrigley gets I will always love her…even if i end up needing a bigger size doggy door.

Funnel Bacakonator

FUNNEL BACAKONATOR– If that sounds pretty awesome, it’s because it is.

Funnel cake covered in bacon, smothered in strawberry and chocolate sauce. Where can you you get this awesomely delicious monstrosity? At a NASCAR event. DUUUUH! The Charlotte Motor Speedway has unveiled two new concession stands to promote Saturday night’s Bank of America 500 Sprint Cup Race. Now I know what you’re thinking “why would Bank of America sponsor an event whose fans don’t use banks?” Good question, but back to the FUNNEL BACAKONATOR!!!!!!  I ‘d like to think this was thunk up  after closing by a drunk redneck concession stand worker.

Now, I know what you’re thinking NASCAR fans, “i eat that shit for breakfast, that won’t feel me up.” Don’t worry, you’ll need the extra room for the pimento mac and cheese burger covered in fried pork skin.

After these two concession stand trips and 28 beers, you’ll probably need to take a dump. However, the pipes might be a little clogged. Enter the “Danica Patrick Fit Fuel Menu.” This menu contains items like turkey and veggie burgers, fruits,vegetables, trail mix and energy bars, it will surely get the diarrhea flowing. It’s unknown how redneck NASCAR fans will react to this menu. I don’t know if any of them have had fruit besides fruit cocktail or vegetables besides Mcdonalds french fries. They might need to stick to the…

FUNNEL BACAKONATOR!!!!!