Big Fat Stupid Vegans

Very few things make my blood boil on this planet as much as PETA does. I’m not 100% sure, but I think PETA stands for:

Poorly

Educated

Tofu-eating

Assholes

Not only do they subject people to the most ridiculous propaganda since World war II, they even aim some at kids! Since this is a fatty website, here is my awesome segway!

Peta Kids is aimed at brainwashing every child they can. Their brightly colored website has games, a cute little dancing chick (animal cruelty?), music, and pictures of Justin Bieber and other celebrities.

The best part of PETA kids is their list of healthy kid approved vegan food. Here are some that made the list.

Air Heads

Cty babies

Dots

Dum-Dums

Jolly Ranchers

Lemonheads

Mike and Ike

Smarties

Sour Patch Kids

Sweet Tarts

Twizzlers

Cracker Jacks

Fritos

Krispy Kreme Fruit Pie

Nutter Butter Bites

Sounds more to me like an SSBBW breakfast of champions! Oh, and don’t think about eating gelatin!

Gelatin—Rhymes with “skeleton.” Coincidence? I think not. Gelatin is a protein made by boiling cows’ and pigs’ skin, tendons, ligaments, and bones. Jell-O? Heck, no!”

HECK NO WE WOULDN’T. WE LOVE FAKE CHEMICALS IN PLACE OF ANIMAL PRODUCTS. MUST BUY JUSTIN BIEBER CD. YAAAAY FOR BRAINWASHING!

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A Fat Majority

According to the International Federation of the Red Cross, The number of obese people in the world is now greater than the number of undernourished people. There are currently about 1.5 billion obese people in the world, compared to 925 million undernourished people.

Excess nutrition now kills more people than hunger. 1.5 billion is the number of OBESE people, not just overweight. The number of overweight people compared to the starving population may be double. Granted the number of hungry people in the world is attributed to poor distribution and food inflation, it’s disturbing to think there are people eating 20,000 calories a day to become the fattest woman in the world when so many are going hungry. Maybe fat isn’t always funny…just most of the time.

Overeaters Anonymous and SSBBW anonymous

Overeaters Anonymous is an organization that helps overeaters get over their eating problems..anonymously. Here are the 12 steps to successfully stop overeating.

  1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Pretty standard as far as 12 step programs go. But if you want to become the worlds fattest SSBBW, it’s going to take some hard work…anonymously. Here are the 12 steps to successfully become an SSBBW

  1. We admitted we were are fatter than everyone else— that the world record is in our sight.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could make us fatter.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Flying Spaghetti Monster .
  4. Made a searching and fearless grocery list and took a snack inventory of our kitchens and refrigerators.
  5. Took a nap.
  6. Were entirely ready to have Susanne Eman and Pauline Potter over for dinner.
  7. Humbly asked them to remove our short skinny-comings.
  8. Made a list of all the things we ate and became willing to eat more next time.
  9. Made direct amends to senior citizens who had to walk when all the mobility scooters were taken.
  10. Continued to eat and sit and sit and eat.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Flying Spaghetti Monster as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out…and then we ate Him.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we got diabetes and an obese parking spot. We will now spread the word of Love. We are no longer anonymous.

That’s My Parking Space

Not only are fat people hogging all the mobility scooters at the grocery store, some are even hogging the handicap parking spaces. According to the American Disability act, A disability is defined as

“a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a person who has a history or record of such an impairment, or a person who is perceived by others as having such an impairment. The ADA does not specifically name all of the impairments that are covered.”

Because the ADA does not name every impairment, it is up for debate whether obesity should be considered a handicap.

Luckily, I know the answers to most problems in the world. Let’s create a win, win situation in 2 easy steps.

1. Determine Obesity is not a handicap, it’s a lifestyle.

2. Create an Obese parking space.

You would have a strict application process to get an obese parking pass. There would be numerous eating challenges and weigh-ins to make sure you really deserved the spot. I believe this would help alleviate the tension between obese people and the people who actually need the handicap parking spaces.

Reuse Your Old Pringles Can

Everything about Pringles is awesome. They taste great, the can looks like it’s made for tennis balls, and the guy on the front has a sweet mustache. After you finish your can of Pringles, don’t just suck the crumbs down and throw out the can, put it to good use. Here are a few awesome ways to re-use an old Pringles can…or you can always send it to this guy.

Pringles Bong

Check out the instructions here. Obviously this is to smoke flavored tobacco, because marijuana is illegal mmkay.

Soap Mold

Anyone who has seen fight club knows you can use fat to make soap. This makes a Pringles can a great way to  mold it.

Wi-fi Antenna Extender

Here’s how you do it

Pringles Phone

Tie a string to a can of Pringles and talk to your neighbors through your bedroom window

Pringles Strip Light

Pretty awesome for home photography. Here is how.

Pringles Ipod Dock

Build your own. Listen to all your favorite fat songs.

Pringles Rocket

Find out how here. Don’t try this at home unless you are stupid…actually I don’t care do whatever you want.

Put Your Cat in it

Unless it’s too fat to fit.

Fat Planking (The fallen tree game)

Planking is a new stupid trend that is propelled by the interweb. If you havn’t heard of planking, (also called the lying down game) you probably have a life and don’t pay attention to what’s cool on the internet because you live in real world and have friends and stuff(that run on sentence was for you Junior High School English Teacher).

Planking is the act of lying face down in a location of your choosing. Your arms touch the side of your body mimicking a wooden plank. The point is to take a picture in an original place and post it to the internet.

Since fat People are really good lying down, I’m starting a new trend. It’s called the fallen tree game. Basically, all you need to do is act like a tree that’s fallen down. Planks are small, tree’s are big. If you are overweight or obese, the fallen tree game is perfect for you! Here are some fallen trees below. The fallen tree game could catch on like wildfire! (har har har)

Sometimes tree’s fall on your car.

No structural damage was caused to the building when these trees fell.

Tree’s don’t usually fit in trash cans.

E Honda with a sweet fallen tree move.

Sometimes big naked black trees fall on your coffee table.

Beachwood Plank

Top 10 Ways People get to Fatty Lane

I get some awesome search engine referrals to Fatty Lane. I get the standard searches for  ssbbw and Pauline Potter but these 10 are my favorite.

10. “fat burrito man”

I really hope this is some sort of superhero.

9. “fat shit eating pringles”

Pringles should pay me for promoting their wonderful product.

8. “fat knee”

I wonder if they had a swollen knee, or if they were looking for someone with fat on their knees.

7. “airplane and football”

I mainly write about airplanes and football so…

6. “teddy bare nude girl and teddy bear”

Sounds like a bad late night showtime movie.

5.”fat blob eating”

It isn’t nice to call someone a blob.

4. “the fattest booby in the world”

Who cares about the fattest boobies, I want to find a girl with one giant fat boob.

3. “fat ugly chinese kids steroids gone wrong”

My original name for the blog, I should’ve kept it.

2. “eating nachos off a girls ass”

The fact that my blog comes up when this is searched for makes me know I provide meaningful content. I feel bad for the person searching for this. It’s not easy to find someone eating nachos off a girl’s ass. Luckily my ninja photography was able to help you out. I was able to get a real life picture of Justin Bieber eating nachos off a girl’s ass. Look for this is next month’s People Magazine.

1. “i want to slap susanne eman’ smile off her face”

HAHAHAHAHA!

Big Fat Sex is the Answer

Not that anyone cares, but Kirstie Alley lost weight…again. She lost 100lbs and says she didn’t lose the weight for health reasons. Kirstie says she “didn’t like the way she looked” and “didn’t want to have fat sex.”

It would look more dramatic if I had Photoshop

What exactly is fat sex? I tried googling “fat sex” and got exactly what I thought I’d get. I’m not looking for fat porn. I know from my site stats I get a few viewers per day on Fatty Lane looking for fatty sex.

I was on my own to figure out what fat sex is…and is it really as bad as Kirstie Allie says. So what is fat sex? A fetish for chubby chasers? Nope. Is it the same as regular sex? kind of…but you need more pillows. After minutes of extensive research, I figured it out. Kirstie Alley was lying. Fat sex isn’t a bad thing. Fat sex is the reason people become fat. This whole obesity problem makes sense now. People become obese to have fat sex. Ask Pauline Potter, She says she’s a “sex goddess” and “has fantastic sex every day.”

Give it to me baby...

If you really want to improve your sex life. Start eating more and doing less. Sit on your couch all day. This isn’t going to be easy. You have to study and memorize a lot of excuses to become a successful obese person. You need an excuse for why you eat so much and do so little. You need excuses for why you bought your mobility scooter. Don’t let the haters phase you,  you’ll have the ultimate reward in the end. If you get fat enough, you too can be a sex god or goddess. Stay focused. Stay on track, and you can have the sex life you’ve always dreamed of…

 

 

 

Fat and Hungry? Don’t worry it isn’t your fault!

A new massive study conducted by researchers from Yale University and USC looked at 14 people and scanned their brains while they looked at pictures of food. Of the millions of the 14 participants, 9 were thin and 5 were obese. The researchers manipulated blood sugar levels, testing the subjects when the had normal and low blood sugar levels. The results may shock you.

It turns out, when the obese people were shown pictures of burgers, biscuits, pizza and Susanne Eman, they found less activity in the prefrontal cortex, which normally lessens signals to eat. As it turns out, obese people have a harder time controlling what they want to eat. When a study as large scale as this comes out, it makes you wonder if obese people have a harder time controlling their weight compared to thin people. I decided to test the theory myself. I asked one billion obese people if they liked food. The results were inconclusive.

Fat Salute: Heart Attack Grill

Heart Attack Grill is a restaurant in Dallas, Texas doing food right. It was founded in 2005 by Jon Basso with the intent of serving food porn. The genius marketing team declared the food “so bad for you it’s shocking” and the “taste is worth dying for”.

They have waitresses dressed like nurses taking orders (known as prescriptions) from the customers (known as patients). They have single, double, triple and quadruple bypass burgers ranging from 1/2 pound to 2 pounds. They cook their fries in pure lard, they serve soda with real sugar, and milkshakes with high butterfat content. They even serve cigarettes, beer and tequila. What’s not to love? If you weigh over 350 pounds, you eat for free! For this, we salute Heart Attack Grill.

Susanne Eman should move to Dallas and the biggest woman in the world crown will be hers in no time!! Check out their awesome commercial below (the guy from the commercial died…from natural causes)